Happy New Year's Eve!

Don't forget to go outside and see the blue moon - two full moons in December and the second, the "blue moon" is tonight, New Years Eve. In other parts of the world you can view a partial eclipse, too! Not in the Americas, though, but if anyone sees it please report! What a treat.

Neat

I have no words today.

Seize the Daylight

Happy Winter Solstice! Hooray for increasing daylight! I drove in this morning in the low light of 9am and admired the frosty trees and cool blue sky. I noticed the hilltops were brown, not white- must have been some wind up high. The snow is pretty but dry, doesn't agree with the builders of snowmen and snowforts or the cross country skiiers.

See that guy in the foreground of the amazing picture up top? That's my son, the older one. I love this picture, not only because he is in it, but because it's so beautiful.

This week

This week
I had no days off.
I have a raging headcold.
I have a tooth ache.
I was told by the dentist I clench my teeth to the extent that 4 molars are cracked. CRACKED.
I had the worst one capped and gained a dental bill I cannot afford.
It didn't help, my jaw still hurts like hell.
I was informed my place of employment is closing for a full week in January because my boss "needs a break". As I don't have paid holidays, that means two short weeks then a week of no work. Short notice and it really screws me financially. Have a nice break.
I am very short on sleep, I wake up because I wonder if I'm clenching my teeth, or because of my cold.
I am very short on time and I can't get away from work to shop for my family.
I am not ready for Christmas.
I found a lump. Yes, there. I can't tell anybody till I know more, but I had to say it to somebody.
So there we are. I am angry at my boss for her lack of consideration, living on coffee and ibuprofen, and fighting rising panic.

Tonight, I left work early and decorated my Mom's tree with my family. It was wonderful.

Wanted: sage advice

I'm looking at taking a class and need some suggestions.
The possible choices:
Yoga
Tai Chi
Pilates

The objectives:
Mental focus
Balance
Flexibility
Strengthen core muscles
Get me the hell out of the house

Any input?

Have a happy weekend :)

Whimsy

Scientists create the world's smallest 'snowman'

I see the moon and the moon sees me

I love moonlit nights, especially winter ones. Tonight's bright moon flooded my yard with it's cool, monochromatic illumination, the snow perpetuating the icy bath of light. Visibility is high, details of the house and yard clear, but my eyes are drawn to the vast moonlit sky to fix on the brilliant face that hangs there. I feel like I can breathe in this cold and beautiful light and fill my lungs with it.

Out of the night that covers me

I was reading about the upcoming movie, Invictus (directed by Clint Eastwood), and was reminded of the poem, which I love.

Invictus - William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as a pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

I'll try anything once (or twice)

I tried a new thing this week: I listened to an audio book. It was a different experience. I read a lot, sometimes voraciously. When you read, you're just doing that- Your hands are full, eyes busy, mind can't wander, and you can't really do anything else. Reading is probably the closest to "being in the moment" as I get, which is funny because reading typically takes me somewhere else.

What I'm trying to say is there aren't many activities that require that kind of focus, seems like we're constantly doing three things at once. The audiobook was totally different than reading because I listened while I worked, my hands & eyes busy with something else. A very different experience than reading.

A friend tells me, "Paper books have sounded their deathknell, mark my words." If that is so, I'll have a hard time with that for a number of reasons. I like the feel of a book in my hands, as if holding it gives me a better connection to it's contents. Also, i guess I'm visually oriented; seeing the words is different than hearing them. I can retrieve information I've seen easier than that which I've heard. There are textbook pages I can visualize from when I was in college. I'm not so sure I'm a good listener. The fact that I can multi task while listening doesn't help matters. I can drink coffee, or munch salad while I read, but that's about it.

I'm trying to think of other things that keep one so wholly occupied as reading does. Sex, probably, though if it's unsatisfactory your mind might wander. Sports, though unless you're really hard core, you're thinking about other things as you're running, swimming, whatever - again, mind can wander. I dunno.

I don't dislike the audio book, it's just that it's a very different experience for me.

Sleepy time- getting up early to head to my mom's and help her get Thanksgiving dinner done. Yum!

Happy Thanksgiving, I hope you're able to spend it with someone special.

Love and water

I said I loved you; it's not true.
Such long swift tides stir not a landlocked sea.
- Rupert Brooke

Light and water

I so love this water color, it captures me everytime I see it. Painting water is painting light.


"Seldovia Boats" by Vladimir Zhikhartsev

Spira mirabilis

Here's another picture of a chambered nautilus. This design simply amazes me.

It's well past my bedtime, but I can't help it. I love the quiet, late hours when it's dark except for the warm pool of light from the little lamp on my nightstand, when I can curl up and escape into my book, when the list of things I -should- be doing has dwindled to one thing: sleeping.

Wonder how it tastes?

Cool article. Shackleton's whiskey

Happy Halloween!

xkcd.com

On a lighter note...

...I've been inspired to add to my List of Sexy Men. I won't lay claims that this is a definitive list of men who are generally sexy; this is a list of men that -I- find sexy. And I find funny sexy. Really sexy. Humor, a willingness to let one's inner child out to play, and the ability to laugh at one's self are awesome qualities. Ready?

Craig Ferguson.

Yes. Craig Ferguson, late night talk show host. I normally don't stay up that late, except if I'm in bed with a book or with a...well, I normally don't stay up that late. But I saw his show again the other night and, as usual, I laughed. Out loud. Scared the dog, even. This guy makes me LAUGH.

His jokes are stupid, the skits are downright groaners, but something about his delivery, his mannerisms, and the way he starts to laugh at his own antics just kills me. He's adorably funny. Charmingly funny. And that accent, I'm a sucker for the accent. He's pretty good looking, but he's a goofyhead. I love that when I watch him I cannnot. help. laughing.

Thanks for indulging me.

PS: Speaking of sexy men, last week I got tagged by fellow blogger LeeRyan to post "Ten Random things about me". That post may or may not be coming soon.

440-490 nm

I'm sliding, slowly slipping into a place I don't want to go again. I feel it periodically, infringing on my whole being, pulling at me, clouding my mind and draining my strength. Depression isn't just a mental thing, it has very real physical effects: memory loss, headaches, fatigue, lack of focus and motivation, and the multitude of ailments that can result from disconnecting from the world around you. I was "depressed" for a number of years in my 30s, to the extent that I detached from nearly everything and everyone in my life. It was debilitating.

When it happens, though, you don't realize it- it comes on slow, you slide into it and one day you realize you don't want to see your friends, you don't want go out, you're cut off from your family...You feel something is wrong, but by then you and the people around you have lived with it, slipped into it, and accepted it.

It's not like a car wreck, or a heart attack- sudden, definitive change that is easily seen and understood, where people rally around you and tell you you will recover. It creeps in and establishes itself before you recognize it. To even realize that you're "sick" is difficult, for yourself and for other people. My family didn't understand it. It's elusive, hard to diagnose and know the origins of. I was treated off and on with different medications. I felt like it was hit or miss medicine- Here, try THIS one and see if that helps. Screw that. I had very little in the way of therapy. I was convinced (and still am) that something was physically or chemically awry.

More recently I have become good at coping with "ups and downs". I am a biologist, and it's helped me to recognize triggers. If I don't eat right, if I forget to eat. If I don't get enough sleep. If I'm at a particular point in my monthly cycle. Those things can trigger "lows". Those are also things I can recognize and control. I'm not completely sure I even am/was "depressed"- Some members of my family believe I was dealing with allergies (the house we lived in for years had vapor barrier issues and mold allergies can cause depression like symptoms). I don't know.

I still have "lows", though not as many as I used to. My life has changed quite a bit and I don't live in the same house, my lifestyle is healthier in general, and the major stresses in my life are nowhere near what they used to be. I catch the lows brought on by low blood sugar and lack of sleep. But the combination of the change in season, loneliness, stress, being sick for a week, and concern for one of my kids who is going through a rough time has left me feeling vulnerable and I feel the slide start to happen.

I wonder how it feels to be content and happy. I wonder why i am unable to attain it, and will I ever be able to be "happy"? Is it a character flaw? Is it a chemical imbalance? Am I like a plant rooted in the wrong soil, unable to thrive because of conditions around me? (That last question plays into support for my theory that I should move somewhere tropical with sand, water, palm trees and possibly a cabana boy).

What the hell is it, and why can't I make it stop?

Venting has relieved my mind, how about that. I think I can sleep now. Don't panic - I'm not in any trouble, just thinking out loud. Years ago I made the conscious decision I wasn't going to do anything rash like run away or knock myself off - I have kids that I love and cherish and a mom who'd kill me if I went that route. And I'm not going to slide into that black hole again. Period. I'm simply dumping out the burden that was on my brain tonight, and hey, I think it helped. A good night's sleep will help even more, I will shake off this damn cold, and I'll make myself strong for my kid and help him through his problem.

Thanks for listening, and...er...have a happy day?

Sweet Saturday Night

Oh yes, total label buy, I had to. I spent the late evening savoring my Cupcake and watching SNL with my son and the dog (no, no wine for either of them- son had a cinnamon roll, dog had an Iams biscuit, and we all shared popcorn, yummy). My bed partner tonight is Saul Bellow, we'll see how long he can hold my interest.

Such is life

Ha! Purchased new keyboard, fired up the comp, *tada* old keyboard has magically fixed itself! Ah, well, I've got a spare handy for when (note "when", not "if") I knock over a cup of coffee on this one.

Happy Thursday!

What do you see?

Very cool article in Smithsonian about an art historian who teaches a class for police officers to hone their observation and communication skills.Teaching Cops to See

Bella Luna

The moon is full tonight, did you see it? I stepped outside, away from the house and the glow of light from within, to stand in the dark with face upturned. I do this a lot. I'm fascinated by the night sky, the vastness, the stars and, particularly, moonlight. Cool and bright, illuminating objects but not colors. This moon is the Harvest Moon, the moon closest to the atumnal equinox.

I remember a moonlit night on Lake Superior when I was younger. The water was flat calm, the lake quiet and still, bathed in light. A few of us rowed out to a small shipwreck that lay in about 20 feet of water- we could see every detail of it lying below the glass-like surface. It was amazing, I'll never forget it.

Another bright night a couple years later, I stood outside with my dogs (I had two at the time, it was near the beginning of the 16 years I had with them). I assumed the position- head back, eyes skyward, gazing at the moon and then the surrounding hills, occasionally glancing back toward the warmly lit house where my young daughter slept, unaware of my absence. The dogs sat motionless on either side of me, noses sniffing the air. A small moment I carry with me, and can recall vividly, right down to the crispness of the night air.

I imprinted another of those moments tonight, out in the yard with my dog, Ginger, the light pouring over my upturned face as she waited quietly beside me. I realized I was standing less than a mile from where I stood with my dogs nearly 20 years ago. Perhaps in another 20 I'll recall this moment as vividly.

I used to say part of a rhyme to my kids whenever the moon was full: I see the moon and the moon sees me.

Lesseeee...update:

-Fixed comp, but need a new keyboard (always something, isn't there?)

-Had the flu, the achey-fever/chill-supertired kind of flu. And to make it worse, I'm the only one I know who actually gained weight while sick. Damn comfort food to hell, really.

-Still single, been asked-don't wanna.

-Still working the day job, doing some biology on the side, and would still rather it be the other way around.

-Dog still goofy.

-Son who moved out still comes home to hang out with me & his brother. I happily feed them while they play vid games or watch a movie.

-The men in my family got together from far & wide for a grand hunting trip- they didn't get much but had a blast, and I loved getting to see them.

Yes, pretty exciting stuff, but I figured I should post -something-. I've read some great blog posts lately. Some funny and witty, some intelligent and insightful, some full of great information. Sorry I don't have more to give, but brainspace seems to be rare commodity for me right now. I don't have room in there to come up with a thoughtful or thought provoking post; my brain is -full-.

Be well.

I lied

Ok- you won't see an increase in late night blogging after all. Why?
The power supply on my comp gave out and I hate posting from my iTouch.

I'll get around to replacing it soonish. Pretty funny, there was a
time when I'd freak out when my comp went down, and was in a state of
anxiety till I got it up and running again. I've been fortunate in
that it's rarely happened and when it did, it was a relatively easy fix.

It's on the list of things-to-do, along with getting a new printer. In
th meantime, I'll just read -your- blogs so get busy and post more
interesting & funny & thought provoking things for me to read.

No picture because my tech skills fail me and I can't make it work
right.

Sent from my iPod

My youngest turned 18 yesterday. We're having a party for him tonight - guess what he wants for dinner? You got it - pizza.

He's hard to get gifts for these days because his toys get more expensive- wants things like trucks and muscle cars, which I'm not buying for him. I did, however, head to Nordstrom in Anchorage and purchase some very nice cologne for him (he likes to smell good and I've had enough of that Axe he bathes in). In the fancy bag with his man-cologne I also put one of those boxes you store Hotwheels in - you know, the one that looks like a wheel? That and two Mustangs (Hotwheels!). He's gotten a new Hotwheels car or two every birthday/Christmas and I know he's saved a few of them.

I also got him some polar-fleece sheets. Yep, he's getting sheets for his birthday. (Awww Mom!) No really, he'll love them. This kid is a 6'5" basketball jock, eats like a horse, smells like a man, can fix anything...and he loves warm fuzzy things. And puppies. And monkeys. So yes, he's getting warm fuzzy polar fleece sheets. I couldn't afford a monkey.

He's the last of my kids at home, still in the nest but poised for flight. When he heads out into the world my laundry load will be dramatically reduced, grocery store trips less frequent, fridge less full. We'll stay close, but the house will feel empty and I'll miss the little day to day goofyhead moments.

Funny - my mom was gone this summer and I sure missed her. I'm 44 and I've found there are still moments when you just need your mom. Being my kid's mom is the best job I've ever had, and now they're these amazing grown-up people that still like to hang out with me now & then, like I like to hang with my mom. How cool is that?

10 cats and a cardigan, please

Ah, love. Be prepared for a resuming of late night posting, as I appear to be single again. I am home, Friday night, listening to "Great Opera Duets" (cranked), drinking my SECOND light beer and swapping back and forth between Jane Austen and Saul Bellow. How bad is it? I attempt to sing with the opera duets.

I took a good shot at dating, but I think I doomed myself before I started - Long Distance (though same state). Said gentleman has the means to get me there and get himself here regularly and obliged readily, but it's just not that easy. And that's all I'll say on that subject (heave sigh of relief now, please).

So, back to my evening. At first I thought, "geez, all I need is about 10 cats...", but I realized that I am enjoying being alone. Fridays can be difficult, as my boys are usually out - tonight they're at their Dad's house. He likes to have them up to his girlfriend's big house and cook them steak. It hurts my feelings they have a good time at the big jerk's girlfriend's house, because he really is a big jerk, but I can't tell them that, not cool. One of those situations where I'm homework, chores, and telling them to do all the things they should be doing and their Dad is funtime steak dinners. Wait...I might be venting...where was I?

Ah yeah - evenings at home, alone. Sometimes they're therapeutic. And I freaking LOVE certain opera pieces. Voices soaring, weaving in and out of each other, no idea what they're saying but the feel of the song transmits meaning- Joy, sadness, ecstasy, passion, pleading, huge expressions of emotion, a conversation in music. Yes, I'm a dork.

So, I'm patching my heart up, immersing my head in music, comfortably on my own. I don't fuckin' need anybody.

But, *tiny voice* I want somebody.

Miss me?

(This goes with the post below- I still can't seem to post an image -and- text from my iTouch at the same time)

It's been a busy summer and when I'm not at work I don't seem to find the time or inclination to sit at the comp. And since I got my neato iTouch, I rarely feel the need to, since I can check email on the run. As a former gamer-chick who used to -live- on and for the computer (I built it just for gaming!) this is probably a healthy change. Since I lost 200lb almost two years ago (I'm referring to my ex, all 200lb of him), I've been enjoying a more active social life, a more active sex life, and heck -a more active life in general, and I really don't have time to putz around on the comp, nor do I need it for an escape. Hooray!

So I'm posting from my iTouch as i'm  snuggled in bed (with the dog). And yep, it's one of those lame "sorry I haven't posted in awhile" things, directed at all three of my readers.

Now to see if I can post a picture. This us a shamelessly stolen image of drawings of copepods, which I am posting in celebration of the fact that in addition to my regular day job ( non-biology) I was given some part time work on a project where I get to be a biologist again. I'm happy to be back in the field, even if its just part time.

Side note: I've often thought if I were ever to get a tattoo it would be a copepod, probably on my hip. These are a bit fancy though. My other choice would be some kind of logarithmic spiral form, like a nautilus or ammonite. There's a post about that here somewhere but I'm too tired to figure out linking it, and reader DaveDownUnder is going to scold me for being up so late.

Ni-night *yawn*

Sent from my iPod

This goes with that post up there ^

Hmm

Haven't mastered this yet, I guess. Here is the text that was supposed to show up with the picture below:

Here's what the drive home was like tonight around 7:30pm on Farmer's Loop. For those not from here, if there were no fires it would be daylight & clear skies. It's gone from smoke to ash in the air (and all over everthing else). There was even an advisory on TV about air quality.

Ick.

Sent from my iPod

Smoke

If they're grown up, what does that make me?

My oldest son is doing the "moving out" thing. He's 19 and remarkably mature in some ways, remarkably and adorably naive in others. While one part of me is encouraging his independence (shoo! Out of the nest...fly!), the other half of me loves that I can still be his mom. Of course, now it's 'advising him' not telling him what to do!

It's nice to be needed. It's also kind of cool when your kids realize a: you're human, and b: sometimes you really do know what you're talking about because you've been there, done that.

By the way, speaking of being way grown up - my lovely daughter and her husband have decided to make me a g...gr.....grandmother! Come February-ish, I'm going to have to get used to that name. While I do not look or feel like a g..gr..grandmother, I'm ecstatic that such a happy, joyous, miraculous thing is going on in my daughter and I can't -wait- to spoil that child rotten.

However, never, ever forget (say it): I'm 26 in my head.

May your day be blessed

Today was neat, I experienced something new. My employer has family who are Tibetan Buddhists, and she'd attended the lectures last weekend given by visiting Lamas. She also arranged to have our place of business blessed. Brought up by a history teacher (who also teaches world religions), I've always had a curious and open mind about the world's cultures, philosophies and beliefs. Being on the sidelines of this event was an honor. My employer and friend has had a hard year and I truly believe the spirit of today's blessing did her a lot of good. The rest of the day was unusually good, and even someone with an agnostic bent like me felt the benefits of such a positive encounter.

I'm interested in some of the lectures given by the lamas -I admire scholars of anything, really - to know and explore a subject you're passionate about is a great thing.

Blotch & Opera

Willow leaf 'blotch miner', an insect that strips the chlorophyll from willow leaves, has blazed through my neighborhood. I live in a very willow-y area on Farmer's Loop, and my yard is populated with Birch, Aspen, and tons of willow trees. This time of year it's normally a very lush and leafy green but the bugs have made all the willow leaves brown. The trees don't die, unless they get hit by repeated outbreaks, so that's good news. I've only been here two summers, but it's my Grandparent's house and I don't remember seeing this in the years they summered here.

Here's a few pictures, you can see the color difference in the trees.

Change of subject - I saw the Opera last week. Opera Fairbanks did a semi-staged production of "Tosca" and it was great. Some incredible talent from the Metropolitan Opera alongside some of our very talented locals. It was a treat, and I happened to have a date who appreciates classical music. He's also a dog person, is a perfectly pragmatic complement to my emotional side, and he cooks. I may have to marry him.

I have a huge range of music tastes, but my mood dictates opera at times - I had it on in the car the other night and my youngest son gave me a look. "Mom," -the look- "is that OPERA". He'll find a place for it in his life at some point - he's been brought up with classical music interspersed with all the other genres I like. He just picked up on the funk first. He's always had rhythm.

I love duets, voices rising and falling over each other, I particularly like male voices, I guess because some of the female voices can be shrill or too overbearing. But the more I explore the more voices I find that appeal to me. Sunday morning is opera time. Coffee, sun on the deck, leaves blowing, open windows, airy light house, a beautiful duet of intermingling voices weaving in and out - that's my idea of a relaxing morning.

Pavarotti - Recondita Armonia (from "Tosca", Puccini) (sit through the introductory 40 seconds of applause, c'mon, it's Pavarotti)- The guy who did this at the Opera Fairbanks production, Mathew Edwardsen, sang it beautifully.

Science guys make me hot

Congratulate Bill Nye, The Science Guy, for he has just been added to Amy's list of sexy men. When my kids were small, Bill Nye was a regular part of our day, and he's adorably geeky.

My kids were little science bugs. I'd gone back to school to be a biologist and my kid's brains were full of all sorts of biology concepts and ideas they absorbed from my coming home with "Guess what I did today?!" They got to visit my labs, see neat critters, go on field trips, etc. I collected a group of fellow students and we'd visit my kid's class rooms and give presentations on fish morphology, pond life, coral reefs, habitats, you name it.

And so, we were all enthralled with Bill Nye, who's show fit right into our interests. Notice I include myself - Bill Nye's show was great for grown ups, too. I loved it.So Bill gets points for adding so much to my own personal experience as well as to that of my kids. Thanks Bill!

Bill Nye is cute/sexy in that dorky geek kind of way. Yes, I am attracted to 'geeks' - I like intelligent men who are attractive by virtue of the excitement and enthusiasm they display for something that fascinates them. Who get enthused by what's in pond water. Who trip over their words in sheer excitement when they've written a good chunk of code. Who look up at the sky, or at a leaf, or at a number sequence in wonder. I -like- that. Part of Bill Nye's job as a TV personality is to convey that excitement and instill it in viewers - well, he does a great job. My kids were inspired and I was inspired right along with them. Thanks Bill!

Outside of his TV stuff, he's sharing, inventing, and living his science, from his involvement in the Planetary Society promoting space exploration to being conscious of reducing his own carbon footprint. I love this guy. Thanks Bill!

Quick, someone get me a margarita

My profile says "44" now, and it is true. I'm havin' a birthday.

I'm still 26 in my head.

It's been a good weekend.

Time flows, gears shift, pieces click into place. It's a slow process but I feel it happening and though I am impatient, I know everything is moving in the right direction.

I don't know why I expect transitions in life to be immediate and clearly defined. Some transitions are easy to pinpoint. Riding in a boat down the Chena river you can clearly see the transition from the dark waters of the Chena to the silty, light colored Tanana. Borders between states, those pieces of paper called college degrees, a marriage license or divorce decree, the day you get in car accident that leaves you seriously injured - those are transitions where "before" and "after" are distinct and separate, marked by that incident or occurrence that causes the change or difference.

But how's that go? "Life's a journey, not a destination". Most change occurs over time, and it's not always clear when it began, or where it ends. When I went through the break up of my marriage, there were some very clearly defined changes: living arrangements, finances, raising children pretty much alone. But some things that I expected to transform simply did not. Not instantly, anyway.

A friend once told me my soul was screaming for a revolution.

It didn't happen, but it's happening.

Blammo

Facebook exploded two days ago.

I'd originally signed up because my daughter was using it kept sending me stuff about it. I signed up, garnered a friend list of about 9 people, most of whom were related to me. Small group, totally manageable. I also typically use Facebook on my iTouch, which means it doesn't have all the extra bells & whistles (farms? wth). Very low key, non spammy, a check-every-couple-days sort of Facebook.

I'm not really a networker and I'm not particularly social. One way of dealing with depression for me was to keep my world very small and under control. When I was a gamer-chick, I was in contact with hundreds of people but they were neatly compartmentalized and separated from my 'real' life. I didn't share personal details with everyone, and I've always been conscious about privacy on the internet. A handful of friends actually new my name and what state I lived in, but for the most part I was there to game and kept my personal life out of it.

So the other day an old friend popped up and sent a friend request. I'd been out of contact with her for quite awhile, but have always considered her a fixture in my life so I confirmed. Then -blammo- I received a bunch more request in one day. Apparently HER friend list was much bigger than mine and included a group set up for graduates of my high school. Suddenly names that I hadn't heard in 20+ years were popping up on my screen.

At first I must admit this caused me some anxiety.

But after tentatively touching base with a few of them it started to feel comfy. Though I don't see most of these people EVER, many of them have known me since kindergarten. And there's something about people who know you and whom you have known since childhood that makes them special. When we're children, we are our basic selves, and whatever you do in life some aspect of that kid you were lingers.

I suppose that's what facebook is about - that oddly reassuring feeling when someone reaches out and says 'omg found you!' We do like belonging, don't we?

Here I am. Shit has happened, life flows on, but I'm still that kid you met in first grade on the swings.

In your dreams

I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough. -M.C. Escher

I read an article in Scientific American on whether or not there is an adaptive purpose for dreaming. The theories are pretty straight forward - simulation of threat scenarios, problem solving, and "brain conditioning".

I like this analogy: “For all we know, dreaming might be a kind of screen saver in which it doesn’t really matter what the content is as long as certain parts of the brain are active.”

We're so personally connected to our dreams, they affect us physically and emotionally - I bet some people don't like the screen saver idea. I imagine that the possibility that the actual content of our dreams is irrelevant would freak some people out.

I'd never considered dreaming as a 'costly signal' thing, where you're conveying (to a predator? competitor?) something like "I'm so strong that I can waste energy doing something apparently useless like dreaming, so don't waste your time messing with me." - that's kind of cool:

"McNamara argues that dreaming can best be understood also as a type of costly signal. He points out that REM sleep is associated with increased mortality, particularly with respect to the irregular activity of the cardiovascular system. He also notes that human males “waste” a lot of otherwise good penile erections during REM sleep. Also, many of the awkward, embarrassing, anxiety-producing experiences from our more negative dreams tend to filter into our waking life, leaving a sort of lingering emotional residue that puts us at an adaptive disadvantage by compromising our everyday social interactions. The bottom line, according to McNamara, is that if we can “afford” to have REM sleep and still be players in the reproductive game, then we’re essentially communicating to others (presumably, others who are watching us sleeping or infer that we’ve done so) that we’re in possession of high-quality genes."

Stop wasting those penile-erections, guys.

Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.
-Henry David Thoreau

I persistently have two common dream types - flying dreams (which are exhilarating), and chase dreams - someone/something pursuing me and I'd either escape or find some way to disable whatever/whomever it was. I had a vivid dream of being chased by a robber - somehow I knocked him out and, in order to ensure his incapacitation, broke both his legs by jumping on his shins - creepily vivid.

Those 'action/adventure' dreams are fun, almost like movies. But that same dream with one of my kids in it? NOT fun, whole different flavor. I had dreams about strangers in the house, about losing one of my kids, or about them being in danger that left me shaking and full of adrenaline. I have a recurring one about BEARS getting in between my youngest son and I. He's 6'5" now and nearly grown up, but in my dreams he's little.

There's a place I vacationed growing up, a remote-ish beach in Michigan that I dream of all the time, usually I'm trying to get there.

I love the dreams you don't want to wake up from - the one's where you're flying, arms spread, over open water (in mine, I fly like a dragonfly does) - or those, uh, you know other dreams that leave us with warm, lingering sensations.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages. -Terry Pratchett

Song of the Day, a lullaby Satellite

Ed Roland

P.S. Adding Ed Roland of Collective Soul to the Sexy Men roster. He looks great, but it's his voice and his creativity that make him truly...well...sexy. I have most of their CD's. Click that link, it's excellent.

I know at least one person who will appreciate this post

Song of the Day: Perfect Day - Collective Soul

Btw, I love some of the words used to describe various numbers: perfect, sociable, amicable, deficient, practical, irrational, real, complex, transcendental. Many of those words I'd use to describe people I know, or even myself (ya, ya, practical does not describe me, nor perfect unless you subscribe to the paradox of perfection)

Sunday - ugh wth

If you're not in the mood for a rant, look at the pretty, happy daisy above and stop here.

Not sure what happened today but it went south probably around midnight of last night and just kept going.

Synopsis -Things that bug me today:
Men
The dog
Kids - wth, they're on a whole different page today.
Headaches
Weather
My Dad
Housework
Dating
My new cell phone - my god, it really sucks

Men - I unexpectedly ran into a guy I recently dated (it was brief, but I liked him, we had a lot of fun). He dropped contact for about a month, sans a few text messages here and there. I ran into him in a part of town I rarely go to, it was total chance. He lit up like sunshine, bear-hugged me twice during the course of our conversation, smelled my hair as he squeezed me for the second time and said feelingly, "God, I miss you!"

wtf.

Give me a real guy, a responsible, strong, warm, employed, plays hard, works hard, loves hard, sexy in that strong-capable sort of way, intelligent & curious kind of guy who says what he means and does what he says. I'm not hung up on appearance - bear-hugger up there is 5'9 and built like a bulldog (adorably so). Argh.

Kids - sons in particular - are making me feel like a piece of furniture. The LOVES OF MY LIFE are being obtuse, ungrateful twerps. Gah, being a mom is painful sometimes.

Dog - she's ok, she just can tell I'm annoyed today and won't stop following me around because it worries her.

Headache - self explanatory

Weather - sucks, and possible cause of headache

Dad - stress factor, possible cause of headache

Housework - not done (thanks kids!)

Dating - well, yeah, see above.

Cell phone - *tosses it*

I'm going out. Buh-bye housework, boys- feed yourselves, dog *pat*, pleasegodletthis headachestop, and men? I live in the land of men - there are 4(?) men for every woman here, but here's the thing: The odds are good, but the goods are odd.

Song of the day (Ignore vid, yadayada, just listen): Wolfsheim - Blind

What does one do at 1am when it's still daylight?

Listen to music, of course. Possibly one of the best songs ever: DMB: Lie in Our Graves , off the Crash album.

It really is still daylight - it's nearing the longest day of the year (June 21) and it's light all the freaking time here. It's amazing/crazy/wonderful/slightly disturbing even after living here most of my life. I love this time of year. After the Summer Solstice on June 21 we'll begin the slow shift back into darkness. We'll have dark nights by August, and it'll slip faster into dark days of winter. So we live a little differently for now, up at all hours doing all sorts of things. This weird time of daylight stirs me up, makes me restless. It's great.

Would you not like to be
sittin' on top of the world
with your legs hanging free?

Some people don't like Dave Matthews, but I do, though it's a particular few albums. Whether it's the stuff I like or the stuff I don't, there's no denying they're great musicians. I love the words to this song, but the music is amazing. I also love Crash Into Me.

Dave Matthews is on my list of Sexy Men, btw.

Meandering thoughts

I'm taking a page from a fellow blogger's book and throwing up one post to bump another that really shouldn't stay at the top of my blog for very long ;)

My family on my mother's side descends from clan Campbell of Scotland - a number of generations ago my greatblahblahgreat grandmother Margaret Campbell eloped with the estate gardener, who was also named Campbell. They left Scotland and headed for Ontario, Canada. When my kids were small I had time and energy to explore family heritage a little. I visited cemeteries and found headstones of my predecessors, read clan histories, and quizzed elderly family members. My mom gave me an old family bible that was her great-grandmother's - a big book, you have to sit it in your lap to leaf through it. It contained a wealth of information about my family.

Not being particularly religious, it's a little surprising to me that I have somehow acquired a small collection of old family bibles. They're old books, and that appeals to me - they smell good, and feel good. They've been passed down and held by many hands. But what's most to me interesting is that they also serve as a history of sorts.

Back then, the bible was a focal point of family life. In addition to the usual readings and lessons the family may have enjoyed, it was a place of record keeping that was handed down from generation to generation. This old bible of my grandmother's has a long list of births and deaths posted on the inside cover. Between the pages there are wedding announcements, birth and death announcements, notes, awards, newspaper articles, feathers, photographs, napkins, legal paperwork, and all sorts of other goodies that someone felt important enough to slip in this book that stayed with the family.

I learned a lot about my family flipping through those pages. When things happened, and to whom. What was important enough to keep or record. Most of the family tree I constructed was the result of this record keeping. Each time I perused the book I found something I'd missed; it was fun and intriguing.

I have an old wool tartan that my mom was kind enough to pass on to me - I don't know how old it is, but it was my great-grandmother's at one point. I curl up under it on cool nights - my kids have grown up knowing it as the 'precious blanket' and know that it never ends up on the floor or under the dog.

I love old things that have belonged to those before us, I hold on to them. I hadn't realized I'd instilled this sort of reverence in my kids to some degree - they each have a few 'precious things' they've already accumulated in their young lives, things that speak to them of family connections and their history. It's neat.

Derrrrrtay

Breasts heaving, body slick with perspiration, hair tumbling wildly about her face, she leans back and releases a content sigh. Her eyes close a moment, lips parted as she catches her breath, and she gives a small giggle, as she often does after the culmination of satisfying physical exertion.

She reaches over and wraps her fingers around the neck of a cool bottle of beer, frosty with condensation. She tilts her head back, the bottle pressed to her lips, and drinks slowly, hair falling down her back save for a few stray locks that cling to the damp skin of her neck. She relishes the taste and feel of the bubbles rushing down her throat. She turns to the one beside her, face flushed, eyes bright, and gives a languid smile accompanied by another small, satisfied giggle. She breathes, "Good girl."

That's right - I dug up my flower beds AND got them planted. And my dog, Ginger, "helped".

Now to get all the dirt out from under my fingernails. And hair. And wherever else I got it, I think there's some down my shirt.

Work Sucketh

Enjoy some Saturday for me.

I'm at work, it's gorgeous outside and I want to be home murdering dandelions. People ask, "why don't you have the boys mow the lawn?" but I actually LIKE doing it. We never had a yard growing up (all trees), and I love how fresh cut grass smells. And there's something about mowing that appeals to the OCD in me - I have this horrible feeling I'd enjoy being one of those people who mows baseball fields into neat patterns. I don't have a ridey mower though, just an old mower my Grandfather rebuilt that I have to talk to nicely to get started. It gets the job done.

It's good exercise, which I negate with the ice-cold Corona I savor after I'm done (oh that tastes good). Collapse in a deck chair, sip cold beer, gaze out over the fruits of my labor. Also, I figure if I do the mowing, they're stuck with dishes (hooray).

I saw "Hangover" last night - what a riot.

It's Tuesday. Not Wednesday. Crud.

I'm working extra days these past few weeks due to someone being ill, and my schedule's a mess - I was certain today was Wednesday, but alas, 'tis not. Thank goodness Wednesday is about 20 minutes away, Alaska time.

There's an interesting article in the May issue of Smithsonian about Zhorzh Koval, a GRU cold war spy, a sleeper agent who was "Iowa born and army-trained". I read it on paper but they've got it on their website. I read a lot of cold-war fiction when I was younger, this sounds like it came right out of one of those novels.

Song of the day: Drowning (Face down) : Saving Abel (blahblah ignore vid, just listen)

I love this picture. Water movement of any kind fascinates me, but look at that.

'nuffsed!

hahahaha!

Chocolate, Sex & Stephen King

I've gone over the deep end. You know how there are certain things you -know- you should avoid, those sweet temptations that can lead to trouble because they quickly move from attraction to addiction and overindulgence, and possibly ruin?

I don't do drugs, but I have my own vices which I am aware of and try and be cautious of. It's that chocolate bunny you got in your Easter basket when you were a kid - you bite the ears off and leave it for "later". The next thing you know, you're taking another little taste and voila! The whole thing's gone. Or that drink or two you have with the person you're secretly attracted to: inhibitions lift and *blammo* it's no secret.

I like chocolate. I get affectionate after a few drinks. Two conditions I've learned to keep a wary eye on. And then there's Stephen King.

I don't think I even put him on my favorite author list. I haven't read one of his books in -years-. I don't particularly like his subject matter. But damnit, he is a brilliant story teller and his writing style captures me. I get hooked.

When I was dating my (now ex) husband, I borrowed my first dangerous King read from him (The Tommyknockers). We'd taken a weekend trip to visit my dad on his boat. I nearly sabotaged the relationship by spending the whole trip with my nose in that book and subsequently ignoring him. I left that poor man with my dad ALL WEEKEND while I cavorted with King. I was riveted.

Later, after we were married, I had to take a brief hiatus from King reading. I was pregnant, had finished Needful Things, and started The Dark Half. I had to put this one down even though it was a good read. It was too scary/intense - I'm emotional and get heavily involved in what I read, which was amplified while I was pregnant (hormones, whee) and I'd had enough stimulation.

I started up again when I found The Dark Tower series, blazed through the first four and found that the next book hadn't even been written yet. I had trouble wrapping my brain around that, it was weird. I didn't read King for quite awhile after that, partly because of being (ridiculously) annoyed at the unfinished series, but also because I just didn't like some of the other stuff he'd put out at that time. He's since added to the series, I've been thinking of picking it up again. Is it finished?!

So last Saturday night I was in Barnes & Noble (hot date = latte with two splenda). I couldn't find the books I was looking for but I found a Stephen King: Duma Key. I set the book on my end table and ignored it for most of the week, then finally picked it up and started reading.

Now here's the thing -I'm very tactile...things like paper or writing utensils are very personal and I take great pleasure when I find the right pen, or the perfect page. The texture, weight, feel of something I hold in my hand makes a difference to me. I love holding my iTouch, hate holding my cell phone. I love how artist pastel crayons feel, hate the glossy pages of the text-book my son had for history last year. And this book was designed to lure me in.

This paperback has the smooth pages that feel kind of fluid when you thumb through them ( I have no idea about names of paper types, sorry). The book is the same width as the average paperback but (and this took me a day to realize) it's about 1/2 inch longer. It gives the book a weird brochure feeling. I'm not sure that makes sense. Because of the page material, the book lays open on the page you're on, you don't have to fight with it. It makes a satisfying soft papery slap when you close it. Ok, ok, I'm a little overboard, but seriously - the whole psychology of marketing is about sublte things like how a book feels in your hand.

And yep, I'm totally hooked on the story. I've been up past 2am reading it nightly. This leaves me slow in the mornings and tired most of the day, which triggers depression, anxiety, and more tiredness which I alleviate by (oh yes!) curling up with said book and running away with King, escaping into my drug of choice.

I usually have more self control, but even though I'm aware of my weaknesses, sometimes I just can't help myself. I'll finish it quickly, then have a few days of feeling bereft because when you're consumed and the thing that consumes you goes away, there's a void. It's (omg) like a mini-relationship that ends. My cycle of high then low will run itself through, I'll catch up on sleep and pick up the pieces of the week I King-binged: unreturned calls, broken dates, forgetfulness, uncommunicative behavior, a messy house, and a bored dog ( I haven't thrown the frisbee for her all week). I'll get it out of my system and move on to more productive and healthy endeavors, putting my lapse into secret sin behind me.



Song of the day: Nine Inch Nails: Only (As with all song links, just listen, ignore crappy vid)

A legacy of sillies

So this morning I was running late, and zipped into the kitchen to grab some breakfast for the road: a banana, a yogurt, and a ziploc bag of mini-wheats. Hey, don't judge me, that's fairly well rounded. As I ripped open the new box of cereal something in the box made me stop and breathe, 'OOHH!'

My 19 yr old son (the older one) rounds the corner to the kitchen, all six beautiful feet of him, and stares at me, puzzled. 'What, Mom?'

My eyes alight, I hold up the treasure from the cereal box: a Star Trek flashlight thingy that LOOKS LIKE A COM BADGE. *cue heavenly music* I haven't been this thrilled with a box toy since I found the light-saber spoon in my younger son's Frosted Flakes.

Now this kid, er young man, is a tall, lean blond with a friendly face. He's a biker/skier/runner/hiker without an ounce of body fat on him. He's currently dressed in spandex or lycra or something like that - a form fitting, nicely put together ensemble of red & black including helmet and sunglasses. He looks like, well, a real bicyclist - you know, the serious ride-350-miles-for-the-hell-of-it kind. And that's exactly what he is. So this athletic stud stares at the thing I'm holding up in his face and...he giggles. At me or the toy, I don't know, but he giggled and I giggled, we giggled together.

That's what I love about my kids (well one of many things). I -LOVE- their sense of humor. These big tall men (the younger is 6'5") are funny as all get out. One day I made dinner with peas as a side. My younger son is picky about veggies (at least he eats them now, when he was a li'l guy he avoided anything green, unlike his brother who was and is a total health food nut). He moaned about the peas, I said something like "eat them!" and silence ensued. I was at the computer while he finished his dinner and soon I felt his presence behind me. I turned and he was standing there, holding out his plate. It was still full of peas, but they'd been herded into the shape of a frowny face. I busted up laughing, relayed the story to some friends online, and from then on when they asked about my kids, they'd ask how 'Frowny-Peas' was doing.

When they were little guys, they were always doing interesting and funny things. They were 3 & 5 when I let them play with spices & stuff in the kitchen. There were like little mad-scientists. Next thing I knew they were trying to make a bomb in the heater vent using baking soda and curry powder (hey, it smells powerful). I couldn't get the aroma of curry out of my house for weeks. The older one took up calling the younger one "butthead" briefly till we told him he couldn't say that - so he made up his own word, something like "pingkonk" which he used for quite awhile when perturbed. I have pictures of them running around with balloons shoved up their shirts and down their pants - they looked like hunchbacks with huge badonkadonks, it was hysterical.

One day, as I collapsed in giggles at some antic, I asked 'Where did you get those sillies?' My youngest pointed at me and said, 'We got them from YOU!'

It's the highest compliment I've ever received.

You, behind that avatar...yeah, you

Prompted by a random comment by a writer of a blog I read, I got thinking about avatars. As a former gamer-chick, I have an avatar or two. For some years I played a mmorpg. In role-playing games you create an avatar that is the incarnation of the character you've created. Most of the gaming I did was gaming for the sake of advancing my character and the group I played with by basically learning and winning any encounter the game developers could come up with. It wasn't until later that I found myself in an actual 'role-playing' environment. That's when I realized I hadn't been role-playing at all, but rather, I was creating an extension of myself. (I actually -sucked- at roleplaying itself and that's a whole other post).

Graphics in games keep improving at an exponential rate - the difference between my earlier character and my last character graphic-wise is pretty big. Some of these are actual screen shots of varying quality, two are renderings done by talented friends. One is from a comic - I like the artist's version of this character .

I really only made three characters. The first was a 'good' healer type character (these games have a good & evil theme, blahblah). Strong, athletic, helpful, feminine, nature freak, loves water.

The next was a gnome - I was experimenting. I wanted to see how differently the same person got treated as a short, funny looking female vs. a willowy, big-breasted siren. It wasn't a good experiment, as another aspect of my personality embodied itself within her: snarky, sarcastic, mischievous. I couldn't help it, it just happened.

My last (and favorite) was an 'evil' healer type character. What she really turned out to be was the first two combined, and she was fun and difficult to play all at the same time. Neither good nor evil, a loner, sexy, stand-offish, funny/warm, sarcastic/sharp, physically strong, emotionally turbulent, compassionate, mischievous, water loving, loyal, sensual, capable, nature loving, kicked-the-ass of monsters, fixed-the-problems of friends. I strive to be this person. I like her. She is me: what I am + what I want to be. (Figuratively, of course, I really don't want to lug that weapon around, or have blue skin).

Whether they're avatars that represent us or images that we hide behind, they're incarnations of some aspect of us. Given my own feelings about my avatars, I'm always curious about the avatars of other people - what face/image/idea have you chosen to represent you, and why?

Gentle be the breeze, and calm the wave

We went to the opera Friday night, my mom and I. Opera Fairbanks put on a gala celebrating Alaska's 50th statehood anniversary and she had tickets. The featured artist is a woman who grew up here with a wonderful musical talent and who went on to perform all over the world. Her voice (she's a mezzo-soprano) is extraordinary, unique. I knew her father - he was the head of the chemistry department at the University here for years - a brilliant and interesting man. I didn't know him personally till his last few years, I wish I'd known him longer. What a lively and thought provoking person.

Where was I? Opera - it was a nice night out. Most of the music I enjoyed, especially the excerpt from Act I of La Traviata : Un di, felice, eterea – "The day I met you". I love that, and I crank it at work when no one is around. The finale was a let down - much as I respect our Alaska Flag Song, I felt Vivica's talent was wasted on a sing-a-long. When she came out in an evening gown I was ready for something big. She really is a charismatic woman eminently suited for what she's doing.

I'm not an opera freak, but there are pieces of music that are just heaven to listen to. My very favorite is Soave sia il vento, from Cosi fan tutte (Mozart). It's not a passionate piece of music, it's a simple 'Safe travels' message, but it's beautiful, the notes and voices weaving in and out of each other. I also love the Flower Duet from Lakme (Delibes)- lots know that one because it's been featured in a variety of movies.

Ah. Lost in music. Aren't I supposed to be doing something... like yard work? This guy is going to help me --->







"Soave sia il vento...Gentle be the breeze,
Tranquilla sia l'onda,..and calm the wave,
Ed ogni elemento...and may all elements
Benigno risponda...be favorable
Ai nostri/vostri desir....to our need."



comic: xkcd: A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language