found the template tools

I'm not sure i like it, either. Give me a few days to play around.

Keep moving forward

We give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. ~Author Unknown

Gratitude is the Best Attitude

It's been awhile since I've posted, but with Thanksgiving coming up, I felt moved to share. It's been a rocky year for myself & my family - I won't go into detail, but the "high" points (sarcasm) follow - Last posting mentioned the loss of family members; they left three teen-age daughters behind who are trying to find their way. I was unemployed for 3 months. My brother's marriage broke up, and he's left the state. I've loved deeply this year, but can't seem to maintain a healthy relationship with the man...dork...victim? I'm struggling with deep depression, enhanced by "empty nest" syndrome - my boys flew the nest. And for the first time, due to some weird circumstances, my family is headed toward one of those holiday dinners everyone dreads. You know - the one's from the sitcoms. I swear, our family holiday dinners have all been warm and relatively stress free. We're gonna make up for it this year.

Empty nest is no joke, by the way. "Get a hobby! You'll feel better!" All the articles say stuff like that. Then I finally found one that, after all the cliches, mentioned that SOME people have a harder time. Single women. People with a history of depression. People with "other issues". Yes, I'm all of the above. These people experience feelings of grief, and loss. No kidding. GRIEF and LOSS are -very- good words to describe it. My kids live in town. I see them regularly. They are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing at this time in their lives. They are in school. GREAT guys. Not their fault. But wow - was I hit hard.

Time for the gratitude. My three children are thriving in their lives and I am part of those lives, if more peripherally than I am accustomed to. My granddaughter is healthy, charming, and I get a good "baby fix" in once or twice a week. (She has just learned to wave...cutest. thing. ever.) I acquired a stable job with good job security, benefits, and (omg) paid leave. I am not making much, but the security is heartwarming. I feel fulfilled and useful in my position, and I like and respect the people I work with. Also, I am lucky to have loved and been loved in return, even though we're both too messed up and stubborn to be able to make things work.

There is a blog I read regularly that I'm going to steal some words from "...the holiday reminds me that gratitude without humility and charity is no better than gloating." I like this - it's a reminder to me that being thankful for what we have isn't enough, that as humans we are fulfilled by giving back. I'm going to try to be charitable and giving to the members of my family who are being less than gracious. I'm going to continue to be supportive and positive with my children in their independence, though my heart aches at being alone (thank God for the dog). I'm spending the afternoon on Thanksgiving with the man I love and can't get along with - we're going to serve food at a local homeless shelter.

JFK said, "As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." It's easy to feel less than generous when you're having a hard time, but I am going to continue to remind myself to be more charitable, humble, gracious, and generous in my thoughts and actions towards others.

My picture today is the one I currently have on my computer desktop at work - It's Van Gogh's "The Olive Trees". I work in a somewhat stressful environment and I find the colors soothing, and I have always loved VanGogh's firm but flowing lines.

Thank you for reading, and I wish a warm and happy Thanksgiving to you.

Joy and Grief

Today my granddaughter was born. Lovely, healthy, entering the world with her bright eyes wide open. This same day my family welcomed this wonderful new baby, we lost two loved ones- my aunt and uncle were killed in a car accident. It has been a very emotional day.

The wheel turns.

Welcome, darling baby, I love you.

To my aunt and uncle, you will be missed dearly, I love you.

Love somebody

Happy Valentine's Day! <3

Amy Outside the Box

It has been an interesting and liberating weekend. I blame the moon. It was full. If you've read my blog at all, you know I've got a thing for the moon. Blame it on my "sign" (I'm a cancer, if you're into that sort of thing), or that I am intrigued by light effects (Light on water amazes me. Bioluminescence amazes me. Different wavelengths of light AMAZE me. Etc.), or that simply I'm human and a bright, full moon causes me to look up and gaze in awe.

Where was I. Oh, interesting weekend. I stepped way outside my box. I flat out jumped the rails. I did a number of things that are markedly different for me. I cannot say they are "out of character", because I'm the walking definition of duality, but I keep certain aspects of my personality under wraps, keep the less controllable tendencies in check. But this weekend, I loosened my self imposed fetters and took steps in different directions. I did it on purpose, deliberately, and have absolutely no regrets. It. Was. Fun.

Life's too short to stay inside the lines. Especially silly unnecessary ones.

I'm reading the last of Stephen King's Dark Tower series - it's really pretty good. I love the main character, Roland Deschain. I like heroes - not white knights, but heroes with dark sides, real sides. Realistic, non-perfect, downright flawed heroes.

I've bought a new book today, to start once I finish the Tower series. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, by Stieg Larsson. I've been looking at it for awhile, but it turned up on one of my favorite blogs (click link), so I took that as a kick in the pants and picked it up today.

This is a busy month. My son turns 20 this week. My daughter turns 28, AND is having a baby this month. I will be a grandmother. While I am so excited for my daughter and her husband, and gleefully anticipating our impending sweetpea, that thought leaves me reeling - where did the time go? How can I be a grandmother? What the hell?

I love this song - Kings of Leon, Notion
The music is great, listen to that guitar.

Grateful

Update on a previous post:
Short version: hooray!
Longer version:
-Got some days off
-Headcold gone
-Still clenching jaw- getting a night time guard for that, though, and exploring ways to break that habit
-Boss changed her mind, I worked that week, finances bearable.
-getting better sleep (Well, except for 3am blogging!)
- Christmas was as joyful as ever, bless my family
-That Other Thing: nothing horrible, thankfully. Silver lining: a jolt like that sure opens one's eyes. I'm thankful. And I don't want to worry anyone.

I love this Van Gogh, I'd like a whole wall of this, please.

Books

A note about reading- My reading list stalled awhile back, not because I'm not reading, but because it's a pain in the ass to update it using my iPod thingy. I still read voraciously (though there was a lull over the holidays when I did nothing but work). I'm out of Repairman Jack novels (there's a link in the read list somewhere if you're curious- linking, another pain on the iPod). There's a new one out in hard back, but I'll wait for paper. I've ended my feud with Stephen King and am finishing the Dark Tower series, because I'm incapable of leaving it unfinished- that'll keep me busy for a bit. I'm in fiction mode, typical winter reading for me.

On my bedside table is Infinite Jest, by David Foster Wallace, a book about Tai Chi, and a list of Pulitzers I might attempt to read.

This picture is a screenshot from a neat little reading app. I don't read much e-book type stuff, but I grabbed it because it has Flatland, an old favorite.

Have a super weekend!

Too cold for snow

It's -25F in Fairbanks today- that's a MINUS.

*shiver*

-25F is a lot nicer than the -40F of last week, but when we have an extended cold-snap of super sub-zero weather, it just all feels COLD after awhile. It's comparatively mild to some winters I remember when I was growing up here, but, hey, I'm older now. The cold kinda seeps in, along with the urge to eat starchy food and hibernate.

We're all still doing our thing, though- going to work, school, basketball games, grocery shopping, and fun inside stuff like the movies. My brave son is out skiing today- he's got a good dose of genetic material from the Scandinavian part of my family, I think. Life goes on and thankfully, we're equipped to deal with it. That applies to a lot of situations, don't you think?

Someone send me some warm :)

Yours truly...

...sort of. There's a little Photo Shop mobile application with some fun effects. I kind of like how this turned out.

It's a cool -20F outside and dropping, but I'm curled up nice and warm on the couch in pj's and fuzzy socks. My boys are both travelling for their respective sports (skiing, basketball), and I'm enjoying a peaceful, low-key weekend in a quiet house with the dog, some DVDs, and a nice glass of Argentinian red wine. Yeah, kinda boring for a Saturday night but much needed after a hectic few weeks.

Peace, calm, quiet. *purrrrr*