440-490 nm

I'm sliding, slowly slipping into a place I don't want to go again. I feel it periodically, infringing on my whole being, pulling at me, clouding my mind and draining my strength. Depression isn't just a mental thing, it has very real physical effects: memory loss, headaches, fatigue, lack of focus and motivation, and the multitude of ailments that can result from disconnecting from the world around you. I was "depressed" for a number of years in my 30s, to the extent that I detached from nearly everything and everyone in my life. It was debilitating.

When it happens, though, you don't realize it- it comes on slow, you slide into it and one day you realize you don't want to see your friends, you don't want go out, you're cut off from your family...You feel something is wrong, but by then you and the people around you have lived with it, slipped into it, and accepted it.

It's not like a car wreck, or a heart attack- sudden, definitive change that is easily seen and understood, where people rally around you and tell you you will recover. It creeps in and establishes itself before you recognize it. To even realize that you're "sick" is difficult, for yourself and for other people. My family didn't understand it. It's elusive, hard to diagnose and know the origins of. I was treated off and on with different medications. I felt like it was hit or miss medicine- Here, try THIS one and see if that helps. Screw that. I had very little in the way of therapy. I was convinced (and still am) that something was physically or chemically awry.

More recently I have become good at coping with "ups and downs". I am a biologist, and it's helped me to recognize triggers. If I don't eat right, if I forget to eat. If I don't get enough sleep. If I'm at a particular point in my monthly cycle. Those things can trigger "lows". Those are also things I can recognize and control. I'm not completely sure I even am/was "depressed"- Some members of my family believe I was dealing with allergies (the house we lived in for years had vapor barrier issues and mold allergies can cause depression like symptoms). I don't know.

I still have "lows", though not as many as I used to. My life has changed quite a bit and I don't live in the same house, my lifestyle is healthier in general, and the major stresses in my life are nowhere near what they used to be. I catch the lows brought on by low blood sugar and lack of sleep. But the combination of the change in season, loneliness, stress, being sick for a week, and concern for one of my kids who is going through a rough time has left me feeling vulnerable and I feel the slide start to happen.

I wonder how it feels to be content and happy. I wonder why i am unable to attain it, and will I ever be able to be "happy"? Is it a character flaw? Is it a chemical imbalance? Am I like a plant rooted in the wrong soil, unable to thrive because of conditions around me? (That last question plays into support for my theory that I should move somewhere tropical with sand, water, palm trees and possibly a cabana boy).

What the hell is it, and why can't I make it stop?

Venting has relieved my mind, how about that. I think I can sleep now. Don't panic - I'm not in any trouble, just thinking out loud. Years ago I made the conscious decision I wasn't going to do anything rash like run away or knock myself off - I have kids that I love and cherish and a mom who'd kill me if I went that route. And I'm not going to slide into that black hole again. Period. I'm simply dumping out the burden that was on my brain tonight, and hey, I think it helped. A good night's sleep will help even more, I will shake off this damn cold, and I'll make myself strong for my kid and help him through his problem.

Thanks for listening, and...er...have a happy day?