Only

Only
This is one of my Favorite Songs. Yes, capitalized that on purpose. This song does it for me. Bitterly tongue-in-cheek, darkly light, an urgent funky guitar backed by an easy beat. I love when he yells the lyrics. And the lyrics resonate with me.
Love it. Sorry if the link looks odd, using mobile in the middle of the night and too tired to fix it up right. Just listen. A few times.

You're The Salt Within My Tears

Yes. Close your eyes as you listen (the blinkiness of the video is enough to make your head explode- annoying) Try not to tap your foot or bob your head, or even shake your hips during the swingy part in the middle. I mean really, just try.

June craziness

So I cut my hair off about 6 weeks ago. I've never had short hair. I tell everyone I was very brave and tried something different, but really, I believe it was an act of desperation. I was in one of those moods where I felt like a particle that was building up energy and needed to explode into some kind of movement- I needed to do -something- but the choices seemed limited. So I cut my hair. I know that sounds weird & silly, but there it is. Enough about the hair.
By the way, the first picture I tried to take had my eyes closed. I've found that 80% of the photos taken of me have my eyes closed. Perhaps I blink a lot.
A bunch of my family came to town in June - it was a month of fun & socializing, which I don't do near enough of. We ate, drank, did a float down the river, had a big party, ate, drank, laughed & told stories.  Family came & went all through the month. I moved out for a week so that my brother and his entourage could all just stay at my house - I stayed at my mom's with my sister. She was here the whole month, we got some good time together. I have two brothers and one sister - we're all within 5 years of each other in age. We hadn't all been in the same place at once in about 12 years. They all left July 3, all at once - it's so quiet now! But I'm glad to be back at home and really, I was ready for some quiet. It seems that it's feast or famine where visiting family is concerned. I miss them a lot, especially my sister. My kids are all here and we get together for dinners & movies, but the hubub of a huge family  gathering was fun.
I'm not sure what my point is here, I'm kind of rambling. Family is a stabilizing element and I guess I'm saying I'm in a better frame of mind than I was a month ago. Nothing like siblings to make you feel as if you're in familiar territory.
It's amazing here right now - 24 hours of daylight. It's broad daylight at midnight, and the evenings are beautiful  - very hard to remember to get to bed on time ;) I love this time of year in Alaska. We've passed the Solstice, though, and we're slowly losing minutes of light from each day. In August, we're "normal" and have dark nights. By the time we hit December, we're down to a mere few hours of daylight in the afternoon. But we'll not think of that now! For us, summers are short, but summer days are long - we soak 'em up.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midnight_sun

Blue Fish

1. You look funny.
2. You are interesting looking
3. You are not one of us

I'm the blue fish. People look at me, but I can't decide what it means. My sense of self is whacked. Am I attractive? Or am I odd looking? Am I different in a good and fascinating way, or an odd and puzzling way? Do I have that pissed off or pained expression on my face that I get when my mind is elsewhere, even though I'm not pissed off or pained? Is there something that interests you or something that repels you? Confuses you? Alarms you?

My people skills are good where they are good, but there are gaping holes, blind spots where I can't read others because the thoughts in my head get in the way.

I'm in such a weird place right now. I'm not well defined, and I feel as if I'm in unfamiliar surroundings. I'm kinda floating. I feel off course.I've missed my flight and I'm stranded somewhere I don't know, somewhere I don't fit. I'm having an out-of-self experience.Whacked..

Welcome baby

Today my grandson was born. He is my second grandchild, and joins his sister, now two. They are both beautiful. My daughter and her husband are beginning a stage of life that is amazing and wonderful. I look back on when I was this age, and my children were still all in the nest and we were the center of each other's universes. It was so much FUN. And i knew exactly who I was and why I was alive.

I wish for my daughter the happiness and completeness that a family can bring. I wish for her to enjoy it, to breathe it, to savor it. I wish for her to have FUN, and to live IN every moment she gets with them.

swimming to the surface

I see it up there,
From down in the dark.
Down in the depths.
I see the filtered radiance
Of the daylight above,
The sky above,
And the freedom, just strokes away.
I am tired.
Gravity pulls.
I am tired.
My strength wanes.
I'm tired.
Climb, swim, fly.
I see it. Up there.

Whether far or soon

I love this song, it always makes my heart soar/sore. (haha)I don't associate it with anyone in particular but it just makes me frickin' happy when I hear it. I've heard an acoustic version but this one just does it for me. It's nicely put together. Whatever it is, I like it.



It's gloriously sunny here. Warm enough to get out in, blazingly bright from sun & snow & blue sky, a perfect winter day. time to get oustide.

Here's me, taken last night.

Have I really not posted since Valentine's Day?

This cracks me up every time I read it.

From My Heart to Yours

Happy Valentine's Day

Mortality

Two people who've touched my life in some way have died this weekend. A friend from high school and Whitney Houston. I'm not a huge Whitney fan, but I've always admired the power and beauty of her voice - what an instrument, and what a gift to the world. The friend from high school I had lost touch with, but had recently reconnected with through Facebook. Both were just a year or two older than I. Both died suddenly.

Tonight I stayed home and tried to concoct the perfect bloody mary - I can't drink more than one before my judgement and taste lapse, so the process will likely take months. But as I curled up in my big comfy chair with the warmth of vodka and Tabasco sauce flowing in my veins, I reflected on life and loss. I frequently mourn the loss of my "previous" life as wife and mother and sense that perhaps that was the "thing" I was put on earth for and now it's passed. I'm no longer the center, the driving force of it, I'm a spectator now. But then again, I reflect on the notion that I'm still waiting for something, I don't know what. And why...why am I waiting?
So that's probably the blood mary speaking - really, I'm a lightweight.

Here is an excellent song. Dave Matthews is a sexy genius musician. He and his band make amazing music. His music is diverse and full of many voices. This song is one of my very favorites. I remember the moment I heard it for the first time - I was on the way home with my kids, they were about 3, 5, and 11 and I heard it. I pulled over to listen. I called the station to find out what it was. The music is amazing and the message wonderful.

You must listen to the end.



I can't believe that we would like in our graves, wondering if we spent our living days well. I can't believe that we would lie in our graves, dreaming of things that might have been.

Listen

I love how the guitar wanders through this song. And I love how the strings fill it out. I'm not a particular Creed fan, but I love this one.

One week later

Drunk post

Ahh. It's Friday night, and it's me & the dog watching movies. I just watched Quantum of Solace, because I have a weakness for James Bond. And after 5 shots of Tullamore Dew, I feel compelled to add to my List of Sexy Men: Daniel Craig.
I love this guy in his movies (aside from the grievous error of Cowboys and Aliens. I was so excited about that movie...Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, cowboys, aliens? My God, it was a combo that -should- have been awesomeness embodied. Sadly, it sucked. Dialog - corny. Plot - corny. Harrison & Daniel - hot. But I digress...

This guy's chiseled facade, his guarded expression, and the absolutely kick ass roles he has played just thrill me. I admired him in Tomb Raider, opposite Angelina Jolie. But really, my admiration flowered fully in Quantum of Solace. He's bad ass, tough as nails, strong, lean, agile, hard-edged, but with a purpose. With a duty. And he's dogged. He's loved, been hurt badly, and emerges as a honed, hard and determined man. His character covers his emotions with almost robotic purpose, but you see glimpses of his feelings occasionally, seething but controlled. I love this, I'm not sure why. The role of M's "dog" suits him extremely well-I love his interactions, his relationship, with her. Judy Dench rocks- that's a pairing made in filmmaker's heaven.

Haunted, driven, determined, dogged - this character appeals to me. It's not the best movie ever filmed, nor is it intellectual or a movie that will change the world...but I love watching it and love watching him in it.

Did I mention the Tullamore Dew? I don't do Irish Whiskey much (or any whiskey, for that matter), but I'm here alone with a stack of movies and I'm not driving anywhere. I'm a grownup. I'm drinking it by the shot, so it's just a little at at time, though I think I have lost count. It will be interesting to read this tomorrow, as my head pounds and I sip coffee, to see what I've said, how I' ve typed, and see if I still agree with myself. Hey. It's my space, I can vent, drool, gush, drunk-post if I want to. I don't often, so cut me some slack. Also, I'm not a mean drunk, I'm an affectionate drunk. I suppose it's a good thing I'm alone, given that.

Where were we? ...Daniel Craig. Yes. I persist in the bad habit of associating actors closely with their characters. I don't go for just appearances, I look for certain qualities, which are of course, enhanced in the movies. I love his James Bond. I think I've mentioned Russel Crowe in Gladiator....personally, I think he's a jerk in real life, but his character in Gladiator? I am drawn to that man. I realize that's what the filmmakers have intended and I'm totally buying into it. Hey, every girl needs a fantasy or two. Daniel Craig is mine at the moment. This picture is my favorite -------------->

I think I'm done for now. Next, I'm going to watch one of my very favorite movies, The Usual Suspects...so you may get a post about Kevin Spacey, whom I like very much. Hopefully, I will still have enough of my wits about me to make it readable.

Cheers, affectionate hugs, many blessings, yadayada. I hope your Friday night is more eventful, but at least as pleasurable, as mine.
Woops. Must not leave out beach shot. /whistle.

Ferdinand

I was given this bonsai for Christmas. It was nearly dead and all the leaves had fallen off. It's recovering nicely, I think. I've always wanted to try growing one. This one is 5 years old. Someone in my office named it Ferdinand, and throughout the day various people come in my office and coo at it. I think that's why it's thriving, lots of love.

Can I get a knight, please?

Update time.

Things have been tense and draining -when that happens I tend to get quiet and withdrawn. Posting, if any, is brief. My conversations and interactions with people are the same - brief, if any. Which really is the worst thing one can do when one is feeling this way.

Let's get to it.

Recent psyche gutting: recovering. When someone who understands your vulnerabilities exploits them because they are hurt, it's debilitating. I have weak spots and someone just kicked them, hard, and repeatedly. Brain says, "Ignore that shit", but heart can't help but feel it. I'm not sure how one person can do that to another, but there it is. I haven't felt very strong lately, and probably won't for awhile. Sorry for whining, but it was bad.

Job: I got a promotion, hooray. I also work a second job in the evenings. By day I supervise a clerical unit in an office, by night I'm a biologist. My true love is biology. My day job is fulfilling, too, but I like being able to say I'm still a biologist.

Weather: it's warmed up to a balmy -10F. Which feels amazing after a couple weeks of -30 to -50F.

My car: A couple months ago I hit a dog. Dark night, -20F, black dog, no reflectors or tags or nearby owner. I didn't even see it, and it did not survive. I was devastated. Car's not repaired yet, but it's just superficial stuff. I have always been a careful but confident driver. Two months later, I'm still terrified I'm going to hit a person.

One of my son's was in an accident a month later. No fault of his own, he is a good driver. His truck was totaled. Thankfully, he and his 3 friends were ok, aside from minimal bumps, bruises, and one broken wrist. Can replace truck, can't replace son. I am grateful.

Books: My reading list, over there on the right, has been sadly neglected. But I have been reading. Down to the last few books in the Repairman Jack series (the final one, plus 2 earlier ones i haven't picked up yet). I fulfilled one of my wish/goals and read a different translation of The Master and Margarita, my favorite book. I posted about that somewhere. I re-read "The Pleasure of My Company", by Steve Martin, a book I find endearing. There's more, I read voraciously.

Other stuff: I play High Descent, it's a PBBG (persistent browser based game) and a fun 20-30 minutes a day for me. I don't play mmorpg's anymore- I can't seem to play casually, I have to go all out and I simply don't have time for that. But I miss it.

I had a surreal experience over the weekend:
-I was being ruthlessly harassed by a man I'd been seeing. I broke things off, he is hurt. It's winding down, and I tell myself I am taking the high road in not provoking him by getting a restraining order. I got the last bit of his stuff back to him (I took the high road and didn't burn it or throw it out), and I no longer need to be in contact with him. At all. It's behind me.
-Then a man I have been attracted to called me- he was drunk, and I ended up nursing him through a hangover for two days. He is a good man, not normally drunk, and going through a difficult time, but he's not my man and not my responsibility. I am a good friend, maybe too good.
-Then I ran into another friend from years back & gave him a ride across town, during which he informed me that he's a fugitive from justice and was hiding from drug charges. I dropped him off, said good luck, and drove away from that situation. I decided I am not THAT good a friend.

It's like I was in some sort of weird nexus, it was a bit surreal. And I concluded that a: I need to harness my nurturing side and learn to say no, to maintain healthy boundaries even though I want to help someone, and b: I need to re-evaluate my choices in men.

I don't know. But I'm single, and likely so for awhile.

So yes, this is probably too much information. But that's why I've got this blog, so I can unload thoughts, impressions, ideas, FEELINGS, angst, observations, inspirations, and you'll just have to take the good with the bad.

Now for some happiness: My daughter and her husband are having a baby boy in May. My granddaughter, Charlotte, is going to be a wonderful big sister. She will be 2 this month. Two of my kids also have birthdays this month, daughter/son in law have an anniversary, and don't forget Valentine's day. It will be a month of family gatherings, cake & ice cream, and love.

What the hell. Single on Valentine's day...again!

Ok. Think I'm done venting for now. Thanks for playing. And now for a song. For you.
Ignore video, just listen. Seriously, just listen.

Yearning

A friend posted something about being drawn to the sea, and I've been reflecting on that since. Is it universal...are we all drawn? We're mostly composed of water, we come to life in water in the womb, and somewhere way back in time we originated in water. We can't live without it.

I'm deeply drawn to the sea. Somehow, I live 450 miles from the nearest ocean. Rivers, lakes, ponds, creeks - all draw me. I love the sound, the smell, the coolness of any body of water. But the ocean is overwhelming and exciting, and stirs feelings, gut feelings, that I can't describe. When I'm on the edge of the ocean, I feel like I can breathe. I feel weight lift from my shoulders and dissipate. I get a weird sense of completeness and yearning at the same time.

I'm fascinated on all levels. My senses overload, my emotions soar, my appreciation for all the ocean contains, for all the ways it affects our existence, for it's physical properties, for it's raw power.

I like this painting - I've stumbled across it before and decided I'd post it this time. The artist can be found here. Waves are beautiful and fascinating- I'm intrigued by their beauty and power, the constant motion and change, and that waves can be analyzed as fractals.

Shiver

It's Sunday night and still -45F. Brrr.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrD3H7ZBdsE&sns=em

Sent from my iPhone

I feel like this.

Someone gutted my psyche today, with intent.

I feel like this.

I like this