Things have been tense and draining -when that happens I tend to get quiet and withdrawn. Posting, if any, is brief. My conversations and interactions with people are the same - brief, if any. Which really is the worst thing one can do when one is feeling this way.
Let's get to it.
Recent psyche gutting: recovering. When someone who understands your vulnerabilities exploits them because they are hurt, it's debilitating. I have weak spots and someone just kicked them, hard, and repeatedly. Brain says, "Ignore that shit", but heart can't help but feel it. I'm not sure how one person can do that to another, but there it is. I haven't felt very strong lately, and probably won't for awhile. Sorry for whining, but it was bad.Job: I got a promotion, hooray. I also work a second job in the evenings. By day I supervise a clerical unit in an office, by night I'm a biologist. My true love is biology. My day job is fulfilling, too, but I like being able to say I'm still a biologist.
Weather: it's warmed up to a balmy -10F. Which feels amazing after a couple weeks of -30 to -50F.
My car: A couple months ago I hit a dog. Dark night, -20F, black dog, no reflectors or tags or nearby owner. I didn't even see it, and it did not survive. I was devastated. Car's not repaired yet, but it's just superficial stuff. I have always been a careful but confident driver. Two months later, I'm still terrified I'm going to hit a person.
One of my son's was in an accident a month later. No fault of his own, he is a good driver. His truck was totaled. Thankfully, he and his 3 friends were ok, aside from minimal bumps, bruises, and one broken wrist. Can replace truck, can't replace son. I am grateful.
Books: My reading list, over there on the right, has been sadly neglected. But I have been reading. Down to the last few books in the Repairman Jack series (the final one, plus 2 earlier ones i haven't picked up yet). I fulfilled one of my wish/goals and read a different translation of The Master and Margarita, my favorite book. I posted about that somewhere. I re-read "The Pleasure of My Company", by Steve Martin, a book I find endearing. There's more, I read voraciously.
Other stuff: I play High Descent, it's a PBBG (persistent browser based game) and a fun 20-30 minutes a day for me. I don't play mmorpg's anymore- I can't seem to play casually, I have to go all out and I simply don't have time for that. But I miss it.
I had a surreal experience over the weekend:
-I was being ruthlessly harassed by a man I'd been seeing. I broke things off, he is hurt. It's winding down, and I tell myself I am taking the high road in not provoking him by getting a restraining order. I got the last bit of his stuff back to him (I took the high road and didn't burn it or throw it out), and I no longer need to be in contact with him. At all. It's behind me.
-Then a man I have been attracted to called me- he was drunk, and I ended up nursing him through a hangover for two days. He is a good man, not normally drunk, and going through a difficult time, but he's not my man and not my responsibility. I am a good friend, maybe too good.
-Then I ran into another friend from years back & gave him a ride across town, during which he informed me that he's a fugitive from justice and was hiding from drug charges. I dropped him off, said good luck, and drove away from that situation. I decided I am not THAT good a friend.
It's like I was in some sort of weird nexus, it was a bit surreal. And I concluded that a: I need to harness my nurturing side and learn to say no, to maintain healthy boundaries even though I want to help someone, and b: I need to re-evaluate my choices in men.
I don't know. But I'm single, and likely so for awhile.
So yes, this is probably too much information. But that's why I've got this blog, so I can unload thoughts, impressions, ideas, FEELINGS, angst, observations, inspirations, and you'll just have to take the good with the bad.
Now for some happiness: My daughter and her husband are having a baby boy in May. My granddaughter, Charlotte, is going to be a wonderful big sister. She will be 2 this month. Two of my kids also have birthdays this month, daughter/son in law have an anniversary, and don't forget Valentine's day. It will be a month of family gatherings, cake & ice cream, and love.
What the hell. Single on Valentine's day...again!
Ok. Think I'm done venting for now. Thanks for playing. And now for a song. For you.
Ignore video, just listen. Seriously, just listen.
2 comments:
The dog was in no way your fault, there was nothing you could have done. I don't know who hurt you but if nothing else, they at least proved to me, that you are strong even if you don't feel it. Because your heart felt it, it proves that you are human and good. You should be proud of yourself. Amy, I don't say things lightly... you are a very beautiful woman in all sense of the word. I can tell just from this post alone. I listened to the music late into last night. Thank you for it.
Kind and generous words, thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed the song :)
Post a Comment