You, behind that avatar...yeah, you

Prompted by a random comment by a writer of a blog I read, I got thinking about avatars. As a former gamer-chick, I have an avatar or two. For some years I played a mmorpg. In role-playing games you create an avatar that is the incarnation of the character you've created. Most of the gaming I did was gaming for the sake of advancing my character and the group I played with by basically learning and winning any encounter the game developers could come up with. It wasn't until later that I found myself in an actual 'role-playing' environment. That's when I realized I hadn't been role-playing at all, but rather, I was creating an extension of myself. (I actually -sucked- at roleplaying itself and that's a whole other post).

Graphics in games keep improving at an exponential rate - the difference between my earlier character and my last character graphic-wise is pretty big. Some of these are actual screen shots of varying quality, two are renderings done by talented friends. One is from a comic - I like the artist's version of this character .

I really only made three characters. The first was a 'good' healer type character (these games have a good & evil theme, blahblah). Strong, athletic, helpful, feminine, nature freak, loves water.

The next was a gnome - I was experimenting. I wanted to see how differently the same person got treated as a short, funny looking female vs. a willowy, big-breasted siren. It wasn't a good experiment, as another aspect of my personality embodied itself within her: snarky, sarcastic, mischievous. I couldn't help it, it just happened.

My last (and favorite) was an 'evil' healer type character. What she really turned out to be was the first two combined, and she was fun and difficult to play all at the same time. Neither good nor evil, a loner, sexy, stand-offish, funny/warm, sarcastic/sharp, physically strong, emotionally turbulent, compassionate, mischievous, water loving, loyal, sensual, capable, nature loving, kicked-the-ass of monsters, fixed-the-problems of friends. I strive to be this person. I like her. She is me: what I am + what I want to be. (Figuratively, of course, I really don't want to lug that weapon around, or have blue skin).

Whether they're avatars that represent us or images that we hide behind, they're incarnations of some aspect of us. Given my own feelings about my avatars, I'm always curious about the avatars of other people - what face/image/idea have you chosen to represent you, and why?

Gentle be the breeze, and calm the wave

We went to the opera Friday night, my mom and I. Opera Fairbanks put on a gala celebrating Alaska's 50th statehood anniversary and she had tickets. The featured artist is a woman who grew up here with a wonderful musical talent and who went on to perform all over the world. Her voice (she's a mezzo-soprano) is extraordinary, unique. I knew her father - he was the head of the chemistry department at the University here for years - a brilliant and interesting man. I didn't know him personally till his last few years, I wish I'd known him longer. What a lively and thought provoking person.

Where was I? Opera - it was a nice night out. Most of the music I enjoyed, especially the excerpt from Act I of La Traviata : Un di, felice, eterea – "The day I met you". I love that, and I crank it at work when no one is around. The finale was a let down - much as I respect our Alaska Flag Song, I felt Vivica's talent was wasted on a sing-a-long. When she came out in an evening gown I was ready for something big. She really is a charismatic woman eminently suited for what she's doing.

I'm not an opera freak, but there are pieces of music that are just heaven to listen to. My very favorite is Soave sia il vento, from Cosi fan tutte (Mozart). It's not a passionate piece of music, it's a simple 'Safe travels' message, but it's beautiful, the notes and voices weaving in and out of each other. I also love the Flower Duet from Lakme (Delibes)- lots know that one because it's been featured in a variety of movies.

Ah. Lost in music. Aren't I supposed to be doing something... like yard work? This guy is going to help me --->







"Soave sia il vento...Gentle be the breeze,
Tranquilla sia l'onda,..and calm the wave,
Ed ogni elemento...and may all elements
Benigno risponda...be favorable
Ai nostri/vostri desir....to our need."



comic: xkcd: A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language

Sexy Men

I'm 43, and rumor has it that puts me somewhere in my sexual prime. I won't comment on that except to say that after the last post, which included Sean Connery, I've been pondering various men who are attractive to me and why. I find I can't always answer the 'why'. Mr. Connery certainly is much older than I, but he still carries that something from his younger years that makes me purr.

So I'm thinking I may post an attractive male every now and then under 'Sexy Men', and perhaps I'll see a pattern. You may not be interested in looking at sexy men, but I'm looking at it as I look at much of this blog - a place to put ideas, thoughts, quotes, song lyrics, pictures and other things I'd like to keep handy. You know, like sticky notes. Just more organized. Kind of.

Woops. My mind just wandered at the idea of keeping Mike Rowe, Harrison Ford, and The Gladiator handy. (No, I'm not particularly partial to Russel Crowe - but the character he played in Gladiator? YES.)

Mike Rowe (from Dirty Jobs): Sexy, funny, willing to get dirty, and did I say funny?

Harrison Ford: ok yeah, it started as a Han Solo thing, but it grew into a deeper appreciation (yep, Indiana Jones).

Nicolas Cage: He's always the underdog, but sincere. Only thing I haven't liked him in is recent stuff like National Treasure. He was like cardboard in those movies.

I realize these are actors and a large part of their attractiveness is the character(s) they play. These are the 'prime suspects' though, the ones that usually pop into my head when asked 'Who's sexy?'

Three of my favorite things - green, water, and Sean Connery

I love this time of year in Alaska. It comes on quickly, a surge of growing, light, activity, and energy, and well, yeah, moquitoes but that's another post. One week we're in snow, then -blammo- the sun hits some threshold, stuff melts & dries fast, leaves BURST from their trees and suddenly we're in this whole other world of green landscape, warm breezes with lush scents in them, perfect blue skies, and light - light all the time.

You can -smell- the green, and I love how green smells. The most vivid impression I've had of green was onboard ship in the Gulf of Alaska when I was working for UAF. Spring cruise -we were dropping a specialized net system to capture zooplankton at different depths (MOCNESS, a totally interesting piece of sampling equipment) and plankton was blooming like mad. The aroma of the by-catch of phytoplankton when we pulled up the nets was just ...heady. Green, lush, thick, sweet, fresh, cool, clean, green. It was amazing. It's not quite so pungent here on land, when the leaves sproing forth (yes, sproing), but it's in the air and it's lovely.

The teeming plant activity and the constant sunlight go hand-in-hand with a shift in our own routines. Suddenly we sleep less and less, our activity level increases, we become restless, industrious, busy like bees. Yardwork, canoeing, hiking, softball, bike riding, running - there are freaking runners everywhere all of a sudden. Our summer here is short, and this period of growth and change and light is even briefer - May/June/July then it starts getting cooler, wetter, darker - so we move faster and get it all in while we can.

The light is wonderful and crazy at the same time - it never gets dark. Being a night-owl under normal conditions, getting to sleep when it's still perfectly light outside is even more difficult. I've been playing with some of the sleep aids that can be downloaded via the App store. There's a relaxation app that got decent reviews but I can't get into it because the guy has a Scottish accent and reminds me of Sean Connery, whom I -adore-. If Sean Connery came to my door today, aged that he is, and said (in that accent, of course) "Come away with me", I'd go. Hell, if anyone came to my door and used that voice on me, I just might go. So... where was I...yes, scottish accent - distracting.

The other apps I tried both used 'relaxing' music accompanied by a 'brainwave syncing' pulse, which was just annoying. To me, it sounded like something was left on that needed to be turned off - not conducive to sleep. Also, is it paranoid of me to wonder what's being slipped into my brain along with the hypnotic voice suggesting I relax, or the 'brainwave' throb? Maybe so.

The one that worked best for me was a simple ocean surf sound, knocked me right out each time. White noise? Maybe - but I prefer to think that it's because it's water and my affinity with water runs deep.

I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky

Today was a long day. I had one of those encounters everyone has at some point, where trust is carefully given then not so carefully dashed by the one you've given it to. I'm not unique in this experience, I know, but it leaves one feeling as if they're the only person in the world. Just a hiccup in the road, really, but I'm feeling sad and regretful.

What was that? Oh yeah...be one with the flux.

I like the picture above - it's a depiction of a hero of Russian folklore, Ivan Tsarevich. Kind of like the Knight of the Swan , he isn't a particular character but a general name given to a particular type of character.

Not a great day off but I got laundry done, got in a good walk, saw a great movie, and now I'm going to curl up with Repairman Jack and read myself to sleep. I'm off again tomorrow - new day, new river.

Noun: flux (plural fluxs) 1. A state of ongoing change. *

Nothing is static, it's all moving, flowing, changing constantly. Leaves grow, cells die, wind blows, life cycles come full circle and begin again. Like a river that appears the same from moment to moment, but the water flows and moves, along with whatever is caught in it's current, and the river you see is not the same river it was a moment ago. Ever changing, ever the same.

Some days I can't move with it - feeling it rush past, pulling at me, moving on. I want to grasp, see, feel, and know every second of it, but it flows over and around me and is gone, lost.

Yes. I'm having a day.

In Hermann Hesse's Siddhartha, the river is it's own beginning, middle and end. The river is everywhere at once all at the same time. The idea of time or life being circular resonates with me. I read some blurb about how the river shows Siddhartha that though life is in constant flux, it's still essentially the same, and encourages him to become one with that flux.

That's my new mantra : Be one with the flux.

*Wiktionary

Spira Mirabilis

I acquired a neat thing today - a tiny fossilized echinoderm, a sea biscuit of some sort. I haven't had time to hunt down what it is exactly yet, but I picked it up for three reasons:
-It's neato
-It will go nicely in my shadow-box shelf full of fossils, cast off shells, dried sponges, and dried bugs. Yes, bugs.
-It beautifully demonstrates the pentamerous symmetry that is characteristic of echinoderms.

Boy, that's a crappy picture - it's too late to stay up and take another one, though. Time to get a real camera, I think.

But you can see the star shape, it's so perfect. Pentamerous symmetry in echinoderms fills me with wonder - the star or flower shape is such a symbol to us humans, an image embedded in our psyche. And there it is on that sea critter (well, that rock that was once a sea creature).

Patterns like that in nature appeal to my senses; the whorls of certain shells, the curls of waves, honeycombs in beehives, but most of all the amazing and mathematically beautiful design of ammonites and the chambered nautilus. (click that link, the picture is stunning). Wikipedia has a great article on the reoccurring appearance of the logarithmic spiral in nature.

I think Spira Mirabilis, the miraculous spiral, is possibly my favorite thing in the world.

Wash your hands (revisited)

Stumbled across this and got a giggle.

New Toy

Kids ganged up and got me an iTouch for Mother's Day. Hot damn. Currently playing: Audioslave - I Am The Highway. I love the lyrics.

Here is a crappy picture of my new plaything.

Get some popcorn

Star Trek comes out today. I have to admit I'm dying to see it, because I love Star Trek and I love going to the movies. I'm a closet trekkie - no uniform or anything, but *quiet voice* I do have a book of episode summaries from TNG, and...well...I may have a star ship tech manual stashed somewhere.

You're reading what?

I'm book-binging. I realized I'm processing 5 books at the moment. I do that when I'm restless and need focus. I'm filling/killing time, basically. I try to make it good stuff for the most part, I can't read crap because it won't hold my attention. I like Repairman Jack, though it's light. So is Austen & Collins if you get into that sort of genre, which I do (closet romantic). I'm plowing my way through George MacDonald, and picking at another Rushdie novel.

I went to Barnes & Noble (yep, Saturday night), got coffee and roved book stacks. I grabbed Austen (cheap!) then ran into Saul Bellow on another shelf. I haven't read Ravelstein, but Saul Bellow really needs my full attention, and it was more $$ than I wanted to spend at the time so I left it, but it's on the List Of Things To Read. I read Herzog years ago and love it, but need to read it again soon.

I'm also considering picking up my calculus text and working my way through it. That, friends, is a sure sign I need to be vigilant and focus on something productive - my brain needs to wrap itself around something. I loved calc, but really. When I was 30-ish (roughly the start of my descent into depression) my mind got restless. Many people turn to religion when they're seeking...solace? I went for theoretical physics. I read Stephen Hawking, essays by Einstein, by Feynman, I read Paul Davies etc, devouring ideas that I had to read carefully and intently to get the gist of. I couldn't have an intelligent discussion about most of it, but it fed my brain and fueled my imagination and made me feel like I was touching some part of my world I hadn't before.

Regarding revisiting/rereading - it annoys the heck out of me when I can't 'discuss' what I've read. I've realized that I tend to read emotionally - I feel what I'm reading, it pulls me along like the current in a river. I experience it, I'm immersed in it. Hell, in high school AP English we read Hemingway's Farewell to Arms. I was really sick with the flu when I read the part about Frederic in the hospital, and I had all sorts of feverish and fitful dreams about him, as if it were me. I have disliked Hemingway since. He's depressing.

Uh, I had a point in there somewhere. Oh yes. I re-read frequently because of this. First read- immersion and emotional connection. Second run - more awareness of details, symbolism, structure, blahblah. Third run - sheer enjoyment, anticipation of particular passages, discovery of tidbits I've missed. Is that normal?

There is one part of my favorite book, The Master & Margarita, that I cherish, absolutely cherish reading. I'll read the whole book just for that small section. It's half a page. But that's how I am. I like parts of things, which I think is a good quality, because it means I 'like' more things - more books, more music, more people, more movies, because I find a part that appeals to me, that I wish to experience again and again. I will love a 'whole' thing just for that element it contains.

That reminds me. Also on the List Of Things To Read is other translations of The Master & Margarita. Translating Russian to English too closely means less idiomatic flow, and though the words are accurate, the feeling may not be. I'm curious if I'll get the same feeling from another translation. I love that book so much, I wish I were Russian to read it. Notice I say 'I wish I were Russian', not 'I wish I could read Russian'. I don't think just learning the language would suffice.

By the way, I've had beer, hence the uh..rambling. Corona Light with lemon in it, lots of lemon. You laugh! That's not real beer, you say. But it's refreshing and goes down easy. The part that I love, that makes me love the whole bottle? The first taste, with the lemon juice still on the lip of the bottle, ice cold, bright and sharp. I cherish that first taste. Ahhh.