Happy Halloween!

xkcd.com

On a lighter note...

...I've been inspired to add to my List of Sexy Men. I won't lay claims that this is a definitive list of men who are generally sexy; this is a list of men that -I- find sexy. And I find funny sexy. Really sexy. Humor, a willingness to let one's inner child out to play, and the ability to laugh at one's self are awesome qualities. Ready?

Craig Ferguson.

Yes. Craig Ferguson, late night talk show host. I normally don't stay up that late, except if I'm in bed with a book or with a...well, I normally don't stay up that late. But I saw his show again the other night and, as usual, I laughed. Out loud. Scared the dog, even. This guy makes me LAUGH.

His jokes are stupid, the skits are downright groaners, but something about his delivery, his mannerisms, and the way he starts to laugh at his own antics just kills me. He's adorably funny. Charmingly funny. And that accent, I'm a sucker for the accent. He's pretty good looking, but he's a goofyhead. I love that when I watch him I cannnot. help. laughing.

Thanks for indulging me.

PS: Speaking of sexy men, last week I got tagged by fellow blogger LeeRyan to post "Ten Random things about me". That post may or may not be coming soon.

440-490 nm

I'm sliding, slowly slipping into a place I don't want to go again. I feel it periodically, infringing on my whole being, pulling at me, clouding my mind and draining my strength. Depression isn't just a mental thing, it has very real physical effects: memory loss, headaches, fatigue, lack of focus and motivation, and the multitude of ailments that can result from disconnecting from the world around you. I was "depressed" for a number of years in my 30s, to the extent that I detached from nearly everything and everyone in my life. It was debilitating.

When it happens, though, you don't realize it- it comes on slow, you slide into it and one day you realize you don't want to see your friends, you don't want go out, you're cut off from your family...You feel something is wrong, but by then you and the people around you have lived with it, slipped into it, and accepted it.

It's not like a car wreck, or a heart attack- sudden, definitive change that is easily seen and understood, where people rally around you and tell you you will recover. It creeps in and establishes itself before you recognize it. To even realize that you're "sick" is difficult, for yourself and for other people. My family didn't understand it. It's elusive, hard to diagnose and know the origins of. I was treated off and on with different medications. I felt like it was hit or miss medicine- Here, try THIS one and see if that helps. Screw that. I had very little in the way of therapy. I was convinced (and still am) that something was physically or chemically awry.

More recently I have become good at coping with "ups and downs". I am a biologist, and it's helped me to recognize triggers. If I don't eat right, if I forget to eat. If I don't get enough sleep. If I'm at a particular point in my monthly cycle. Those things can trigger "lows". Those are also things I can recognize and control. I'm not completely sure I even am/was "depressed"- Some members of my family believe I was dealing with allergies (the house we lived in for years had vapor barrier issues and mold allergies can cause depression like symptoms). I don't know.

I still have "lows", though not as many as I used to. My life has changed quite a bit and I don't live in the same house, my lifestyle is healthier in general, and the major stresses in my life are nowhere near what they used to be. I catch the lows brought on by low blood sugar and lack of sleep. But the combination of the change in season, loneliness, stress, being sick for a week, and concern for one of my kids who is going through a rough time has left me feeling vulnerable and I feel the slide start to happen.

I wonder how it feels to be content and happy. I wonder why i am unable to attain it, and will I ever be able to be "happy"? Is it a character flaw? Is it a chemical imbalance? Am I like a plant rooted in the wrong soil, unable to thrive because of conditions around me? (That last question plays into support for my theory that I should move somewhere tropical with sand, water, palm trees and possibly a cabana boy).

What the hell is it, and why can't I make it stop?

Venting has relieved my mind, how about that. I think I can sleep now. Don't panic - I'm not in any trouble, just thinking out loud. Years ago I made the conscious decision I wasn't going to do anything rash like run away or knock myself off - I have kids that I love and cherish and a mom who'd kill me if I went that route. And I'm not going to slide into that black hole again. Period. I'm simply dumping out the burden that was on my brain tonight, and hey, I think it helped. A good night's sleep will help even more, I will shake off this damn cold, and I'll make myself strong for my kid and help him through his problem.

Thanks for listening, and...er...have a happy day?

Sweet Saturday Night

Oh yes, total label buy, I had to. I spent the late evening savoring my Cupcake and watching SNL with my son and the dog (no, no wine for either of them- son had a cinnamon roll, dog had an Iams biscuit, and we all shared popcorn, yummy). My bed partner tonight is Saul Bellow, we'll see how long he can hold my interest.

Such is life

Ha! Purchased new keyboard, fired up the comp, *tada* old keyboard has magically fixed itself! Ah, well, I've got a spare handy for when (note "when", not "if") I knock over a cup of coffee on this one.

Happy Thursday!

What do you see?

Very cool article in Smithsonian about an art historian who teaches a class for police officers to hone their observation and communication skills.Teaching Cops to See

Bella Luna

The moon is full tonight, did you see it? I stepped outside, away from the house and the glow of light from within, to stand in the dark with face upturned. I do this a lot. I'm fascinated by the night sky, the vastness, the stars and, particularly, moonlight. Cool and bright, illuminating objects but not colors. This moon is the Harvest Moon, the moon closest to the atumnal equinox.

I remember a moonlit night on Lake Superior when I was younger. The water was flat calm, the lake quiet and still, bathed in light. A few of us rowed out to a small shipwreck that lay in about 20 feet of water- we could see every detail of it lying below the glass-like surface. It was amazing, I'll never forget it.

Another bright night a couple years later, I stood outside with my dogs (I had two at the time, it was near the beginning of the 16 years I had with them). I assumed the position- head back, eyes skyward, gazing at the moon and then the surrounding hills, occasionally glancing back toward the warmly lit house where my young daughter slept, unaware of my absence. The dogs sat motionless on either side of me, noses sniffing the air. A small moment I carry with me, and can recall vividly, right down to the crispness of the night air.

I imprinted another of those moments tonight, out in the yard with my dog, Ginger, the light pouring over my upturned face as she waited quietly beside me. I realized I was standing less than a mile from where I stood with my dogs nearly 20 years ago. Perhaps in another 20 I'll recall this moment as vividly.

I used to say part of a rhyme to my kids whenever the moon was full: I see the moon and the moon sees me.

Lesseeee...update:

-Fixed comp, but need a new keyboard (always something, isn't there?)

-Had the flu, the achey-fever/chill-supertired kind of flu. And to make it worse, I'm the only one I know who actually gained weight while sick. Damn comfort food to hell, really.

-Still single, been asked-don't wanna.

-Still working the day job, doing some biology on the side, and would still rather it be the other way around.

-Dog still goofy.

-Son who moved out still comes home to hang out with me & his brother. I happily feed them while they play vid games or watch a movie.

-The men in my family got together from far & wide for a grand hunting trip- they didn't get much but had a blast, and I loved getting to see them.

Yes, pretty exciting stuff, but I figured I should post -something-. I've read some great blog posts lately. Some funny and witty, some intelligent and insightful, some full of great information. Sorry I don't have more to give, but brainspace seems to be rare commodity for me right now. I don't have room in there to come up with a thoughtful or thought provoking post; my brain is -full-.

Be well.