Assessment time. This blog is meant to be an exercise in expressing thoughts and ideas - practice grounds. I'm a thinking person, but have never been good at putting thoughts into words. This worsened during my bout with depression. I came out of that period with my thoughts re-awakened but still unable to communicate them well. (I say 'came out of that period' loosely, because it's kind of a never-ending thing, I'm just coping differently or more effectively.)

About 10 years ago, I was slipping into depression but largely unaware of it - signs and symptoms of stress appeared: the inability to remember things, the lack of cohesive expression, inattentiveness. I was slowly becoming aware of the lapses in memory (the holes in my memory drive me nuts, see previous post).

At one point, I was talking with a person affiliated with the program I wanted to apply to for graduate school. The setting was informal, a conversation about a field we were both deeply interested in. By her demeanor, I felt she viewed me as a viable candidate and seemed interested in my direction and encouraging about my prospects. She became concerned at one point, however, and said to me (I kid you not), "You need to use your words."

Use your words. I'd said that to my kids when they were young and trying to express something to me. She was right, though. College educated and I was stumbling, using basic language to describe ideas instead of the specific terms I'd learned in my field. I simply couldn't retrieve the words from my brain and was left to describe the thoughts I had in the most remedial of language. It must have sounded weird - I can't say stupid, because I'm not (and she knew that), but...yeah.

Reading previous posts, I see that I've communicated things that I like, as well as bits of what I know about those things, but I haven't really expressed much of what I think about those things. It's been more of a dumping ground for sticky notes from my brain - things I'd like to remember, bits of information I might want later. Kind of like my desk at work - scattered notes with shreds of information I need for some task, lists, numbers, names, blahblah. I remember things by writing them down.

This isn't going to be a 'me me me' thing. No expressions of deep emotional crap, no emo blahblah. However, as an exercise in 'using my words', I'll need to step it up a bit and express thoughts/concepts more completely and clearly.