Age sucks

So I've been sick all weekend and spent much of it in a cold-med-induced coma. Nothing serious (the plague) and I'll live (there were moments I wished I didn't). Yes, I suffered. I watched movies...some good, some not so good. I watched a chick flick about weddings and it got the wheels turning in my brain about a subject that's been hovering in the corners of my consciousness: Biological imperative.

Let me explain. I'm single. I've never seen myself as being alone, but I am. I've carried the idea around that I would meet someone new...that I might actually meet the "right" person...and life would start anew, the life I am "supposed" to be living.

That's my emotional side.

But I'm also a biologist. I know a little about evolution, about the instincts and biological imperatives that have enabed our species survive. Humans hit a certain age and we have urges...biology prompts men to notice women who are young, healthy looking, with certain body characteristic (nice hips, breasts). Sure those women look "good" and "sexy", but why? Because women who look like that are in their fertile prime. Yes, women have similar traits they seek for in men...it's usually signals that indicate the ability to provide and protect.

And falling in love? Humans are primed for it in a certain age bracket (not just socially, but biochemically). You meet that person and woooo, you're ready to reproduce. Maybe it sounds cynical, but that's what falling in love is - the bond couples form that enables them to stay together build a family and raise their offspring - and there! We've successfully reproduced.

So as i'm keeping an eye out for "Mr. Right", I realize that the biological imperative isn't present in men & women my age. Women my age are still looking for a protector/provider but not for reproductive reasons. And what about the men? If they're still looking for the same thing- young, fertile - that counts me out.

What are the triggers for attraction for people my age? What is the biological imperative? I really LIKE that being in love feeling...is that just not a function of my age group? Not in the biochemical make-up of people in my age bracket...? Ugh.

Perhaps i should be looking for expecting something else?

Drunk post

Ahh. It's Friday night, and it's me & the dog watching movies. I just watched Quantum of Solace, because I have a weakness for James Bond. And after 5 shots of Tullamore Dew, I feel compelled to add to my List of Sexy Men: Daniel Craig.
I love this guy in his movies (aside from the grievous error of Cowboys and Aliens. I was so excited about that movie...Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, cowboys, aliens? My God, it was a combo that -should- have been awesomeness embodied. Sadly, it sucked. Dialog - corny. Plot - corny. Harrison & Daniel - hot. But I digress...

This guy's chiseled facade, his guarded expression, and the absolutely kick ass roles he has played just thrill me. I admired him in Tomb Raider, opposite Angelina Jolie. But really, my admiration flowered fully in Quantum of Solace. He's bad ass, tough as nails, strong, lean, agile, hard-edged, but with a purpose. With a duty. And he's dogged. He's loved, been hurt badly, and emerges as a honed, hard and determined man. His character covers his emotions with almost robotic purpose, but you see glimpses of his feelings occasionally, seething but controlled. I love this, I'm not sure why. The role of M's "dog" suits him extremely well-I love his interactions, his relationship, with her. Judy Dench rocks- that's a pairing made in filmmaker's heaven.

Haunted, driven, determined, dogged - this character appeals to me. It's not the best movie ever filmed, nor is it intellectual or a movie that will change the world...but I love watching it and love watching him in it.

Did I mention the Tullamore Dew? I don't do Irish Whiskey much (or any whiskey, for that matter), but I'm here alone with a stack of movies and I'm not driving anywhere. I'm a grownup. I'm drinking it by the shot, so it's just a little at at time, though I think I have lost count. It will be interesting to read this tomorrow, as my head pounds and I sip coffee, to see what I've said, how I' ve typed, and see if I still agree with myself. Hey. It's my space, I can vent, drool, gush, drunk-post if I want to. I don't often, so cut me some slack. Also, I'm not a mean drunk, I'm an affectionate drunk. I suppose it's a good thing I'm alone, given that.

Where were we? ...Daniel Craig. Yes. I persist in the bad habit of associating actors closely with their characters. I don't go for just appearances, I look for certain qualities, which are of course, enhanced in the movies. I love his James Bond. I think I've mentioned Russel Crowe in Gladiator....personally, I think he's a jerk in real life, but his character in Gladiator? I am drawn to that man. I realize that's what the filmmakers have intended and I'm totally buying into it. Hey, every girl needs a fantasy or two. Daniel Craig is mine at the moment. This picture is my favorite -------------->

I think I'm done for now. Next, I'm going to watch one of my very favorite movies, The Usual Suspects...so you may get a post about Kevin Spacey, whom I like very much. Hopefully, I will still have enough of my wits about me to make it readable.

Cheers, affectionate hugs, many blessings, yadayada. I hope your Friday night is more eventful, but at least as pleasurable, as mine.
Woops. Must not leave out beach shot. /whistle.

Can I get a knight, please?

Update time.

Things have been tense and draining -when that happens I tend to get quiet and withdrawn. Posting, if any, is brief. My conversations and interactions with people are the same - brief, if any. Which really is the worst thing one can do when one is feeling this way.

Let's get to it.

Recent psyche gutting: recovering. When someone who understands your vulnerabilities exploits them because they are hurt, it's debilitating. I have weak spots and someone just kicked them, hard, and repeatedly. Brain says, "Ignore that shit", but heart can't help but feel it. I'm not sure how one person can do that to another, but there it is. I haven't felt very strong lately, and probably won't for awhile. Sorry for whining, but it was bad.

Job: I got a promotion, hooray. I also work a second job in the evenings. By day I supervise a clerical unit in an office, by night I'm a biologist. My true love is biology. My day job is fulfilling, too, but I like being able to say I'm still a biologist.

Weather: it's warmed up to a balmy -10F. Which feels amazing after a couple weeks of -30 to -50F.

My car: A couple months ago I hit a dog. Dark night, -20F, black dog, no reflectors or tags or nearby owner. I didn't even see it, and it did not survive. I was devastated. Car's not repaired yet, but it's just superficial stuff. I have always been a careful but confident driver. Two months later, I'm still terrified I'm going to hit a person.

One of my son's was in an accident a month later. No fault of his own, he is a good driver. His truck was totaled. Thankfully, he and his 3 friends were ok, aside from minimal bumps, bruises, and one broken wrist. Can replace truck, can't replace son. I am grateful.

Books: My reading list, over there on the right, has been sadly neglected. But I have been reading. Down to the last few books in the Repairman Jack series (the final one, plus 2 earlier ones i haven't picked up yet). I fulfilled one of my wish/goals and read a different translation of The Master and Margarita, my favorite book. I posted about that somewhere. I re-read "The Pleasure of My Company", by Steve Martin, a book I find endearing. There's more, I read voraciously.

Other stuff: I play High Descent, it's a PBBG (persistent browser based game) and a fun 20-30 minutes a day for me. I don't play mmorpg's anymore- I can't seem to play casually, I have to go all out and I simply don't have time for that. But I miss it.

I had a surreal experience over the weekend:
-I was being ruthlessly harassed by a man I'd been seeing. I broke things off, he is hurt. It's winding down, and I tell myself I am taking the high road in not provoking him by getting a restraining order. I got the last bit of his stuff back to him (I took the high road and didn't burn it or throw it out), and I no longer need to be in contact with him. At all. It's behind me.
-Then a man I have been attracted to called me- he was drunk, and I ended up nursing him through a hangover for two days. He is a good man, not normally drunk, and going through a difficult time, but he's not my man and not my responsibility. I am a good friend, maybe too good.
-Then I ran into another friend from years back & gave him a ride across town, during which he informed me that he's a fugitive from justice and was hiding from drug charges. I dropped him off, said good luck, and drove away from that situation. I decided I am not THAT good a friend.

It's like I was in some sort of weird nexus, it was a bit surreal. And I concluded that a: I need to harness my nurturing side and learn to say no, to maintain healthy boundaries even though I want to help someone, and b: I need to re-evaluate my choices in men.

I don't know. But I'm single, and likely so for awhile.

So yes, this is probably too much information. But that's why I've got this blog, so I can unload thoughts, impressions, ideas, FEELINGS, angst, observations, inspirations, and you'll just have to take the good with the bad.

Now for some happiness: My daughter and her husband are having a baby boy in May. My granddaughter, Charlotte, is going to be a wonderful big sister. She will be 2 this month. Two of my kids also have birthdays this month, daughter/son in law have an anniversary, and don't forget Valentine's day. It will be a month of family gatherings, cake & ice cream, and love.

What the hell. Single on Valentine's day...again!

Ok. Think I'm done venting for now. Thanks for playing. And now for a song. For you.
Ignore video, just listen. Seriously, just listen.

440-490 nm

I'm sliding, slowly slipping into a place I don't want to go again. I feel it periodically, infringing on my whole being, pulling at me, clouding my mind and draining my strength. Depression isn't just a mental thing, it has very real physical effects: memory loss, headaches, fatigue, lack of focus and motivation, and the multitude of ailments that can result from disconnecting from the world around you. I was "depressed" for a number of years in my 30s, to the extent that I detached from nearly everything and everyone in my life. It was debilitating.

When it happens, though, you don't realize it- it comes on slow, you slide into it and one day you realize you don't want to see your friends, you don't want go out, you're cut off from your family...You feel something is wrong, but by then you and the people around you have lived with it, slipped into it, and accepted it.

It's not like a car wreck, or a heart attack- sudden, definitive change that is easily seen and understood, where people rally around you and tell you you will recover. It creeps in and establishes itself before you recognize it. To even realize that you're "sick" is difficult, for yourself and for other people. My family didn't understand it. It's elusive, hard to diagnose and know the origins of. I was treated off and on with different medications. I felt like it was hit or miss medicine- Here, try THIS one and see if that helps. Screw that. I had very little in the way of therapy. I was convinced (and still am) that something was physically or chemically awry.

More recently I have become good at coping with "ups and downs". I am a biologist, and it's helped me to recognize triggers. If I don't eat right, if I forget to eat. If I don't get enough sleep. If I'm at a particular point in my monthly cycle. Those things can trigger "lows". Those are also things I can recognize and control. I'm not completely sure I even am/was "depressed"- Some members of my family believe I was dealing with allergies (the house we lived in for years had vapor barrier issues and mold allergies can cause depression like symptoms). I don't know.

I still have "lows", though not as many as I used to. My life has changed quite a bit and I don't live in the same house, my lifestyle is healthier in general, and the major stresses in my life are nowhere near what they used to be. I catch the lows brought on by low blood sugar and lack of sleep. But the combination of the change in season, loneliness, stress, being sick for a week, and concern for one of my kids who is going through a rough time has left me feeling vulnerable and I feel the slide start to happen.

I wonder how it feels to be content and happy. I wonder why i am unable to attain it, and will I ever be able to be "happy"? Is it a character flaw? Is it a chemical imbalance? Am I like a plant rooted in the wrong soil, unable to thrive because of conditions around me? (That last question plays into support for my theory that I should move somewhere tropical with sand, water, palm trees and possibly a cabana boy).

What the hell is it, and why can't I make it stop?

Venting has relieved my mind, how about that. I think I can sleep now. Don't panic - I'm not in any trouble, just thinking out loud. Years ago I made the conscious decision I wasn't going to do anything rash like run away or knock myself off - I have kids that I love and cherish and a mom who'd kill me if I went that route. And I'm not going to slide into that black hole again. Period. I'm simply dumping out the burden that was on my brain tonight, and hey, I think it helped. A good night's sleep will help even more, I will shake off this damn cold, and I'll make myself strong for my kid and help him through his problem.

Thanks for listening, and...er...have a happy day?