Blue Fish

1. You look funny.
2. You are interesting looking
3. You are not one of us

I'm the blue fish. People look at me, but I can't decide what it means. My sense of self is whacked. Am I attractive? Or am I odd looking? Am I different in a good and fascinating way, or an odd and puzzling way? Do I have that pissed off or pained expression on my face that I get when my mind is elsewhere, even though I'm not pissed off or pained? Is there something that interests you or something that repels you? Confuses you? Alarms you?

My people skills are good where they are good, but there are gaping holes, blind spots where I can't read others because the thoughts in my head get in the way.

I'm in such a weird place right now. I'm not well defined, and I feel as if I'm in unfamiliar surroundings. I'm kinda floating. I feel off course.I've missed my flight and I'm stranded somewhere I don't know, somewhere I don't fit. I'm having an out-of-self experience.Whacked..

Welcome baby

Today my grandson was born. He is my second grandchild, and joins his sister, now two. They are both beautiful. My daughter and her husband are beginning a stage of life that is amazing and wonderful. I look back on when I was this age, and my children were still all in the nest and we were the center of each other's universes. It was so much FUN. And i knew exactly who I was and why I was alive.

I wish for my daughter the happiness and completeness that a family can bring. I wish for her to enjoy it, to breathe it, to savor it. I wish for her to have FUN, and to live IN every moment she gets with them.

swimming to the surface

I see it up there,
From down in the dark.
Down in the depths.
I see the filtered radiance
Of the daylight above,
The sky above,
And the freedom, just strokes away.
I am tired.
Gravity pulls.
I am tired.
My strength wanes.
I'm tired.
Climb, swim, fly.
I see it. Up there.

Whether far or soon

I love this song, it always makes my heart soar/sore. (haha)I don't associate it with anyone in particular but it just makes me frickin' happy when I hear it. I've heard an acoustic version but this one just does it for me. It's nicely put together. Whatever it is, I like it.



It's gloriously sunny here. Warm enough to get out in, blazingly bright from sun & snow & blue sky, a perfect winter day. time to get oustide.

Here's me, taken last night.

Have I really not posted since Valentine's Day?

This cracks me up every time I read it.

From My Heart to Yours

Happy Valentine's Day

Mortality

Two people who've touched my life in some way have died this weekend. A friend from high school and Whitney Houston. I'm not a huge Whitney fan, but I've always admired the power and beauty of her voice - what an instrument, and what a gift to the world. The friend from high school I had lost touch with, but had recently reconnected with through Facebook. Both were just a year or two older than I. Both died suddenly.

Tonight I stayed home and tried to concoct the perfect bloody mary - I can't drink more than one before my judgement and taste lapse, so the process will likely take months. But as I curled up in my big comfy chair with the warmth of vodka and Tabasco sauce flowing in my veins, I reflected on life and loss. I frequently mourn the loss of my "previous" life as wife and mother and sense that perhaps that was the "thing" I was put on earth for and now it's passed. I'm no longer the center, the driving force of it, I'm a spectator now. But then again, I reflect on the notion that I'm still waiting for something, I don't know what. And why...why am I waiting?
So that's probably the blood mary speaking - really, I'm a lightweight.

Here is an excellent song. Dave Matthews is a sexy genius musician. He and his band make amazing music. His music is diverse and full of many voices. This song is one of my very favorites. I remember the moment I heard it for the first time - I was on the way home with my kids, they were about 3, 5, and 11 and I heard it. I pulled over to listen. I called the station to find out what it was. The music is amazing and the message wonderful.

You must listen to the end.



I can't believe that we would like in our graves, wondering if we spent our living days well. I can't believe that we would lie in our graves, dreaming of things that might have been.