Off The Planet

Can I get a knight, please?

2012-02-01T22:57:00.017-09:00

Update time.

Things have been tense and draining -when that happens I tend to get quiet and withdrawn. Posting, if any, is brief. My conversations and interactions with people are the same - brief, if any. Which really is the worst thing one can do when one is feeling this way.

Let's get to it.

Recent psyche gutting: recovering. When someone who understands your vulnerabilities exploits them because they are hurt, it's debilitating. I have weak spots and someone just kicked them, hard, and repeatedly. Brain says, "Ignore that shit", but heart can't help but feel it. I'm not sure how one person can do that to another, but there it is. I haven't felt very strong lately, and probably won't for awhile. Sorry for whining, but it was bad.

Job: I got a promotion, hooray. I also work a second job in the evenings. By day I supervise a clerical unit in an office, by night I'm a biologist. My true love is biology. My day job is fulfilling, too, but I like being able to say I'm still a biologist.

Weather: it's warmed up to a balmy -10F. Which feels amazing after a couple weeks of -30 to -50F.

My car: A couple months ago I hit a dog. Dark night, -20F, black dog, no reflectors or tags or nearby owner. I didn't even see it, and it did not survive. I was devastated. Car's not repaired yet, but it's just superficial stuff. I have always been a careful but confident driver. Two months later, I'm still terrified I'm going to hit a person.

One of my son's was in an accident a month later. No fault of his own, he is a good driver. His truck was totaled. Thankfully, he and his 3 friends were ok, aside from minimal bumps, bruises, and one broken wrist. Can replace truck, can't replace son. I am grateful.

Books: My reading list, over there on the right, has been sadly neglected. But I have been reading. Down to the last few books in the Repairman Jack series (the final one, plus 2 earlier ones i haven't picked up yet). I fulfilled one of my wish/goals and read a different translation of The Master and Margarita, my favorite book. I posted about that somewhere. I re-read "The Pleasure of My Company", by Steve Martin, a book I find endearing. There's more, I read voraciously.

Other stuff: I play High Descent, it's a PBBG (persistent browser based game) and a fun 20-30 minutes a day for me. I don't play mmorpg's anymore- I can't seem to play casually, I have to go all out and I simply don't have time for that. But I miss it.

I had a surreal experience over the weekend:
-I was being ruthlessly harassed by a man I'd been seeing. I broke things off, he is hurt. It's winding down, and I tell myself I am taking the high road in not provoking him by getting a restraining order. I got the last bit of his stuff back to him (I took the high road and didn't burn it or throw it out), and I no longer need to be in contact with him. At all. It's behind me.
-Then a man I have been attracted to called me- he was drunk, and I ended up nursing him through a hangover for two days. He is a good man, not normally drunk, and going through a difficult time, but he's not my man and not my responsibility. I am a good friend, maybe too good.
-Then I ran into another friend from years back & gave him a ride across town, during which he informed me that he's a fugitive from justice and was hiding from drug charges. I dropped him off, said good luck, and drove away from that situation. I decided I am not THAT good a friend.

It's like I was in some sort of weird nexus, it was a bit surreal. And I concluded that a: I need to harness my nurturing side and learn to say no, to maintain healthy boundaries even though I want to help someone, and b: I need to re-evaluate my choices in men.

I don't know. But I'm single, and likely so for awhile.

So yes, this is probably too much information. But that's why I've got this blog, so I can unload thoughts, impressions, ideas, FEELINGS, angst, observations, inspirations, and you'll just have to take the good with the bad.

Now for some happiness: My daughter and her husband are having a baby boy in May. My granddaughter, Charlotte, is going to be a wonderful big sister. She will be 2 this month. Two of my kids also have birthdays this month, daughter/son in law have an anniversary, and don't forget Valentine's day. It will be a month of family gatherings, cake & ice cream, and love.

What the hell. Single on Valentine's day...again!

Ok. Think I'm done venting for now. Thanks for playing. And now for a song. For you.
Ignore video, just listen. Seriously, just listen.

Yearning

2012-02-01T22:19:00.005-09:00

A friend posted something about being drawn to the sea, and I've been reflecting on that since. Is it universal...are we all drawn? We're mostly composed of water, we come to life in water in the womb, and somewhere way back in time we originated in water. We can't live without it.

I'm deeply drawn to the sea. Somehow, I live 450 miles from the nearest ocean. Rivers, lakes, ponds, creeks - all draw me. I love the sound, the smell, the coolness of any body of water. But the ocean is overwhelming and exciting, and stirs feelings, gut feelings, that I can't describe. When I'm on the edge of the ocean, I feel like I can breathe. I feel weight lift from my shoulders and dissipate. I get a weird sense of completeness and yearning at the same time.

I'm fascinated on all levels. My senses overload, my emotions soar, my appreciation for all the ocean contains, for all the ways it affects our existence, for it's physical properties, for it's raw power.

I like this painting - I've stumbled across it before and decided I'd post it this time. The artist can be found here. Waves are beautiful and fascinating- I'm intrigued by their beauty and power, the constant motion and change, and that waves can be analyzed as fractals.

Shiver

2012-01-30T01:31:00.002-09:00

It's Sunday night and still -45F. Brrr.

2012-01-29T23:57:00.001-09:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrD3H7ZBdsE&sns=em

Sent from my iPhone

I feel like this.

2012-01-22T02:20:00.003-09:00

Someone gutted my psyche today, with intent.

I feel like this.

I like this

2012-01-05T02:29:00.001-09:00

Ulrich Schnauss - Knuddelmaus

2011-11-06T09:55:00.002-09:00

Here is what I think when I listen to this:
water
flowing
calm
happy
easy
smile
smooth
simple
hope
light
water
water
water

PS I have no idea what "knuddelmaus" means.

Darkness

2011-10-26T01:36:00.005-08:00

I read something moving that made me think of the poem Invictus, by William Ernest Henley (I'm sure I've posted it before).

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Superfun

2011-10-25T19:41:00.000-08:00

I've traded in the "mom" car for the (haha) grandma car. Hey, it has 4 doors & room for kids...if needed. But it also has a sun/moon roof, leather interior, AWD, heated seats (remember where I live and you'll understand), auto start, new snow tires, and a whole lotta vrooom. Hugs the road like it's one with it, and well, I have to try not to drive too fast because it's super fun.

Groove Armada - Edge Hill

2011-10-23T22:07:00.000-08:00

Listen to the whole thing, headphones on, eyes closed. I love when the "strings" hit.

Thank you, Mr. Jobs

2011-10-06T22:16:00.004-08:00

Rest in peace, Steve Jobs, an inspiring and inspired human being. You've enriched my life, the lives of my family, the lives of my generation and my children's generation. You gave to the world on so many levels. You changed the world. Thank you.

I'm WHAT?

2011-07-10T00:53:00.002-08:00

Holy crap, I am 46 today. When/how did this happen?! *Still* 26 in my head, so I guess I'm ok!

Happy Birthday to me.

2011-07-04T22:17:00.001-08:00

Happy happy happy. Life is short. Life is good.

found the template tools

2010-11-27T23:52:00.001-09:00

I'm not sure i like it, either. Give me a few days to play around.

Keep moving forward

2010-11-27T22:49:00.001-09:00

We give thanks for unknown blessings already on their way. ~Author Unknown

Gratitude is the Best Attitude

2010-11-22T00:37:00.011-09:00

It's been awhile since I've posted, but with Thanksgiving coming up, I felt moved to share. It's been a rocky year for myself & my family - I won't go into detail, but the "high" points (sarcasm) follow - Last posting mentioned the loss of family members; they left three teen-age daughters behind who are trying to find their way. I was unemployed for 3 months. My brother's marriage broke up, and he's left the state. I've loved deeply this year, but can't seem to maintain a healthy relationship with the man...dork...victim? I'm struggling with deep depression, enhanced by "empty nest" syndrome - my boys flew the nest. And for the first time, due to some weird circumstances, my family is headed toward one of those holiday dinners everyone dreads. You know - the one's from the sitcoms. I swear, our family holiday dinners have all been warm and relatively stress free. We're gonna make up for it this year.

Empty nest is no joke, by the way. "Get a hobby! You'll feel better!" All the articles say stuff like that. Then I finally found one that, after all the cliches, mentioned that SOME people have a harder time. Single women. People with a history of depression. People with "other issues". Yes, I'm all of the above. These people experience feelings of grief, and loss. No kidding. GRIEF and LOSS are -very- good words to describe it. My kids live in town. I see them regularly. They are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing at this time in their lives. They are in school. GREAT guys. Not their fault. But wow - was I hit hard.

Time for the gratitude. My three children are thriving in their lives and I am part of those lives, if more peripherally than I am accustomed to. My granddaughter is healthy, charming, and I get a good "baby fix" in once or twice a week. (She has just learned to wave...cutest. thing. ever.) I acquired a stable job with good job security, benefits, and (omg) paid leave. I am not making much, but the security is heartwarming. I feel fulfilled and useful in my position, and I like and respect the people I work with. Also, I am lucky to have loved and been loved in return, even though we're both too messed up and stubborn to be able to make things work.

There is a blog I read regularly that I'm going to steal some words from "...the holiday reminds me that gratitude without humility and charity is no better than gloating." I like this - it's a reminder to me that being thankful for what we have isn't enough, that as humans we are fulfilled by giving back. I'm going to try to be charitable and giving to the members of my family who are being less than gracious. I'm going to continue to be supportive and positive with my children in their independence, though my heart aches at being alone (thank God for the dog). I'm spending the afternoon on Thanksgiving with the man I love and can't get along with - we're going to serve food at a local homeless shelter.

JFK said, "As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." It's easy to feel less than generous when you're having a hard time, but I am going to continue to remind myself to be more charitable, humble, gracious, and generous in my thoughts and actions towards others.

My picture today is the one I currently have on my computer desktop at work - It's Van Gogh's "The Olive Trees". I work in a somewhat stressful environment and I find the colors soothing, and I have always loved VanGogh's firm but flowing lines.

Thank you for reading, and I wish a warm and happy Thanksgiving to you.

Joy and Grief

2010-02-26T23:06:00.003-09:00

Today my granddaughter was born. Lovely, healthy, entering the world with her bright eyes wide open. This same day my family welcomed this wonderful new baby, we lost two loved ones- my aunt and uncle were killed in a car accident. It has been a very emotional day.

The wheel turns.

Welcome, darling baby, I love you.

To my aunt and uncle, you will be missed dearly, I love you.

Love somebody

2010-02-14T11:46:00.000-09:00

Happy Valentine's Day! <3

Amy Outside the Box

2010-01-31T23:46:00.004-09:00

It has been an interesting and liberating weekend. I blame the moon. It was full. If you've read my blog at all, you know I've got a thing for the moon. Blame it on my "sign" (I'm a cancer, if you're into that sort of thing), or that I am intrigued by light effects (Light on water amazes me. Bioluminescence amazes me. Different wavelengths of light AMAZE me. Etc.), or that simply I'm human and a bright, full moon causes me to look up and gaze in awe.

Where was I. Oh, interesting weekend. I stepped way outside my box. I flat out jumped the rails. I did a number of things that are markedly different for me. I cannot say they are "out of character", because I'm the walking definition of duality, but I keep certain aspects of my personality under wraps, keep the less controllable tendencies in check. But this weekend, I loosened my self imposed fetters and took steps in different directions. I did it on purpose, deliberately, and have absolutely no regrets. It. Was. Fun.

Life's too short to stay inside the lines. Especially silly unnecessary ones.

I'm reading the last of Stephen King's Dark Tower series - it's really pretty good. I love the main character, Roland Deschain. I like heroes - not white knights, but heroes with dark sides, real sides. Realistic, non-perfect, downright flawed heroes.

I've bought a new book today, to start once I finish the Tower series. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, by Stieg Larsson. I've been looking at it for awhile, but it turned up on one of my favorite blogs (click link), so I took that as a kick in the pants and picked it up today.

This is a busy month. My son turns 20 this week. My daughter turns 28, AND is having a baby this month. I will be a grandmother. While I am so excited for my daughter and her husband, and gleefully anticipating our impending sweetpea, that thought leaves me reeling - where did the time go? How can I be a grandmother? What the hell?

I love this song - Kings of Leon, Notion
The music is great, listen to that guitar.

Grateful

2010-01-17T02:51:00.002-09:00

Update on a previous post:
Short version: hooray!
Longer version:
-Got some days off
-Headcold gone
-Still clenching jaw- getting a night time guard for that, though, and exploring ways to break that habit
-Boss changed her mind, I worked that week, finances bearable.
-getting better sleep (Well, except for 3am blogging!)
- Christmas was as joyful as ever, bless my family
-That Other Thing: nothing horrible, thankfully. Silver lining: a jolt like that sure opens one's eyes. I'm thankful. And I don't want to worry anyone.

I love this Van Gogh, I'd like a whole wall of this, please.

Books

2010-01-16T15:26:00.001-09:00

A note about reading- My reading list stalled awhile back, not because I'm not reading, but because it's a pain in the ass to update it using my iPod thingy. I still read voraciously (though there was a lull over the holidays when I did nothing but work). I'm out of Repairman Jack novels (there's a link in the read list somewhere if you're curious- linking, another pain on the iPod). There's a new one out in hard back, but I'll wait for paper. I've ended my feud with Stephen King and am finishing the Dark Tower series, because I'm incapable of leaving it unfinished- that'll keep me busy for a bit. I'm in fiction mode, typical winter reading for me.

On my bedside table is Infinite Jest, by David Foster Wallace, a book about Tai Chi, and a list of Pulitzers I might attempt to read.

This picture is a screenshot from a neat little reading app. I don't read much e-book type stuff, but I grabbed it because it has Flatland, an old favorite.

Have a super weekend!

Too cold for snow

2010-01-16T12:46:00.005-09:00

It's -25F in Fairbanks today- that's a MINUS.

*shiver*

-25F is a lot nicer than the -40F of last week, but when we have an extended cold-snap of super sub-zero weather, it just all feels COLD after awhile. It's comparatively mild to some winters I remember when I was growing up here, but, hey, I'm older now. The cold kinda seeps in, along with the urge to eat starchy food and hibernate.

We're all still doing our thing, though- going to work, school, basketball games, grocery shopping, and fun inside stuff like the movies. My brave son is out skiing today- he's got a good dose of genetic material from the Scandinavian part of my family, I think. Life goes on and thankfully, we're equipped to deal with it. That applies to a lot of situations, don't you think?

Someone send me some warm :)

Yours truly...

2010-01-10T00:33:00.002-09:00

...sort of. There's a little Photo Shop mobile application with some fun effects. I kind of like how this turned out.

It's a cool -20F outside and dropping, but I'm curled up nice and warm on the couch in pj's and fuzzy socks. My boys are both travelling for their respective sports (skiing, basketball), and I'm enjoying a peaceful, low-key weekend in a quiet house with the dog, some DVDs, and a nice glass of Argentinian red wine. Yeah, kinda boring for a Saturday night but much needed after a hectic few weeks.

Peace, calm, quiet. *purrrrr*

2009-12-31T08:53:00.002-09:00

Happy New Year's Eve!

Don't forget to go outside and see the blue moon - two full moons in December and the second, the "blue moon" is tonight, New Years Eve. In other parts of the world you can view a partial eclipse, too! Not in the Americas, though, but if anyone sees it please report! What a treat.

Neat

2009-12-29T10:56:00.002-09:00

I have no words today.

Seize the Daylight

2009-12-21T19:22:00.002-09:00

Happy Winter Solstice! Hooray for increasing daylight! I drove in this morning in the low light of 9am and admired the frosty trees and cool blue sky. I noticed the hilltops were brown, not white- must have been some wind up high. The snow is pretty but dry, doesn't agree with the builders of snowmen and snowforts or the cross country skiiers.

See that guy in the foreground of the amazing picture up top? That's my son, the older one. I love this picture, not only because he is in it, but because it's so beautiful.

This week

2009-12-20T02:00:00.003-09:00

This week
I had no days off.
I have a raging headcold.
I have a tooth ache.
I was told by the dentist I clench my teeth to the extent that 4 molars are cracked. CRACKED.
I had the worst one capped and gained a dental bill I cannot afford.
It didn't help, my jaw still hurts like hell.
I was informed my place of employment is closing for a full week in January because my boss "needs a break". As I don't have paid holidays, that means two short weeks then a week of no work. Short notice and it really screws me financially. Have a nice break.
I am very short on sleep, I wake up because I wonder if I'm clenching my teeth, or because of my cold.
I am very short on time and I can't get away from work to shop for my family.
I am not ready for Christmas.
I found a lump. Yes, there. I can't tell anybody till I know more, but I had to say it to somebody.
So there we are. I am angry at my boss for her lack of consideration, living on coffee and ibuprofen, and fighting rising panic.

Tonight, I left work early and decorated my Mom's tree with my family. It was wonderful.

Wanted: sage advice

2009-12-13T08:46:00.002-09:00

I'm looking at taking a class and need some suggestions.
The possible choices:
Yoga
Tai Chi
Pilates

The objectives:
Mental focus
Balance
Flexibility
Strengthen core muscles
Get me the hell out of the house

Any input?

Have a happy weekend :)

Whimsy

2009-12-05T01:27:00.003-09:00

Scientists create the world's smallest 'snowman'

I see the moon and the moon sees me

2009-12-04T00:34:00.001-09:00

I love moonlit nights, especially winter ones. Tonight's bright moon flooded my yard with it's cool, monochromatic illumination, the snow perpetuating the icy bath of light. Visibility is high, details of the house and yard clear, but my eyes are drawn to the vast moonlit sky to fix on the brilliant face that hangs there. I feel like I can breathe in this cold and beautiful light and fill my lungs with it.

Out of the night that covers me

2009-12-01T22:49:00.005-09:00

I was reading about the upcoming movie, Invictus (directed by Clint Eastwood), and was reminded of the poem, which I love.

Invictus - William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as a pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

I'll try anything once (or twice)

2009-11-26T01:42:00.008-09:00

I tried a new thing this week: I listened to an audio book. It was a different experience. I read a lot, sometimes voraciously. When you read, you're just doing that- Your hands are full, eyes busy, mind can't wander, and you can't really do anything else. Reading is probably the closest to "being in the moment" as I get, which is funny because reading typically takes me somewhere else.

What I'm trying to say is there aren't many activities that require that kind of focus, seems like we're constantly doing three things at once. The audiobook was totally different than reading because I listened while I worked, my hands & eyes busy with something else. A very different experience than reading.

A friend tells me, "Paper books have sounded their deathknell, mark my words." If that is so, I'll have a hard time with that for a number of reasons. I like the feel of a book in my hands, as if holding it gives me a better connection to it's contents. Also, i guess I'm visually oriented; seeing the words is different than hearing them. I can retrieve information I've seen easier than that which I've heard. There are textbook pages I can visualize from when I was in college. I'm not so sure I'm a good listener. The fact that I can multi task while listening doesn't help matters. I can drink coffee, or munch salad while I read, but that's about it.

I'm trying to think of other things that keep one so wholly occupied as reading does. Sex, probably, though if it's unsatisfactory your mind might wander. Sports, though unless you're really hard core, you're thinking about other things as you're running, swimming, whatever - again, mind can wander. I dunno.

I don't dislike the audio book, it's just that it's a very different experience for me.

Sleepy time- getting up early to head to my mom's and help her get Thanksgiving dinner done. Yum!

Happy Thanksgiving, I hope you're able to spend it with someone special.

Love and water

2009-11-17T22:04:00.004-09:00

I said I loved you; it's not true.
Such long swift tides stir not a landlocked sea.
- Rupert Brooke

Light and water

2009-11-17T21:38:00.002-09:00

I so love this water color, it captures me everytime I see it. Painting water is painting light.

"Seldovia Boats" by Vladimir Zhikhartsev

Spira mirabilis

2009-11-13T00:16:00.004-09:00

Here's another picture of a chambered nautilus. This design simply amazes me.

It's well past my bedtime, but I can't help it. I love the quiet, late hours when it's dark except for the warm pool of light from the little lamp on my nightstand, when I can curl up and escape into my book, when the list of things I -should- be doing has dwindled to one thing: sleeping.

Wonder how it tastes?

2009-11-07T20:23:00.004-09:00

Cool article. Shackleton's whiskey

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-31T11:30:00.001-08:00

xkcd.com

On a lighter note...

2009-10-26T00:05:00.013-08:00

...I've been inspired to add to my List of Sexy Men. I won't lay claims that this is a definitive list of men who are generally sexy; this is a list of men that -I- find sexy. And I find funny sexy. Really sexy. Humor, a willingness to let one's inner child out to play, and the ability to laugh at one's self are awesome qualities. Ready?

Craig Ferguson.

Yes. Craig Ferguson, late night talk show host. I normally don't stay up that late, except if I'm in bed with a book or with a...well, I normally don't stay up that late. But I saw his show again the other night and, as usual, I laughed. Out loud. Scared the dog, even. This guy makes me LAUGH.

His jokes are stupid, the skits are downright groaners, but something about his delivery, his mannerisms, and the way he starts to laugh at his own antics just kills me. He's adorably funny. Charmingly funny. And that accent, I'm a sucker for the accent. He's pretty good looking, but he's a goofyhead. I love that when I watch him I cannnot. help. laughing.

Thanks for indulging me.

PS: Speaking of sexy men, last week I got tagged by fellow blogger LeeRyan to post "Ten Random things about me". That post may or may not be coming soon.

440-490 nm

2009-10-20T23:38:00.015-08:00

I'm sliding, slowly slipping into a place I don't want to go again. I feel it periodically, infringing on my whole being, pulling at me, clouding my mind and draining my strength. Depression isn't just a mental thing, it has very real physical effects: memory loss, headaches, fatigue, lack of focus and motivation, and the multitude of ailments that can result from disconnecting from the world around you. I was "depressed" for a number of years in my 30s, to the extent that I detached from nearly everything and everyone in my life. It was debilitating.

When it happens, though, you don't realize it- it comes on slow, you slide into it and one day you realize you don't want to see your friends, you don't want go out, you're cut off from your family...You feel something is wrong, but by then you and the people around you have lived with it, slipped into it, and accepted it.

It's not like a car wreck, or a heart attack- sudden, definitive change that is easily seen and understood, where people rally around you and tell you you will recover. It creeps in and establishes itself before you recognize it. To even realize that you're "sick" is difficult, for yourself and for other people. My family didn't understand it. It's elusive, hard to diagnose and know the origins of. I was treated off and on with different medications. I felt like it was hit or miss medicine- Here, try THIS one and see if that helps. Screw that. I had very little in the way of therapy. I was convinced (and still am) that something was physically or chemically awry.

More recently I have become good at coping with "ups and downs". I am a biologist, and it's helped me to recognize triggers. If I don't eat right, if I forget to eat. If I don't get enough sleep. If I'm at a particular point in my monthly cycle. Those things can trigger "lows". Those are also things I can recognize and control. I'm not completely sure I even am/was "depressed"- Some members of my family believe I was dealing with allergies (the house we lived in for years had vapor barrier issues and mold allergies can cause depression like symptoms). I don't know.

I still have "lows", though not as many as I used to. My life has changed quite a bit and I don't live in the same house, my lifestyle is healthier in general, and the major stresses in my life are nowhere near what they used to be. I catch the lows brought on by low blood sugar and lack of sleep. But the combination of the change in season, loneliness, stress, being sick for a week, and concern for one of my kids who is going through a rough time has left me feeling vulnerable and I feel the slide start to happen.

I wonder how it feels to be content and happy. I wonder why i am unable to attain it, and will I ever be able to be "happy"? Is it a character flaw? Is it a chemical imbalance? Am I like a plant rooted in the wrong soil, unable to thrive because of conditions around me? (That last question plays into support for my theory that I should move somewhere tropical with sand, water, palm trees and possibly a cabana boy).

What the hell is it, and why can't I make it stop?

Venting has relieved my mind, how about that. I think I can sleep now. Don't panic - I'm not in any trouble, just thinking out loud. Years ago I made the conscious decision I wasn't going to do anything rash like run away or knock myself off - I have kids that I love and cherish and a mom who'd kill me if I went that route. And I'm not going to slide into that black hole again. Period. I'm simply dumping out the burden that was on my brain tonight, and hey, I think it helped. A good night's sleep will help even more, I will shake off this damn cold, and I'll make myself strong for my kid and help him through his problem.

Thanks for listening, and...er...have a happy day?

Sweet Saturday Night

2009-10-18T01:43:00.002-08:00

Oh yes, total label buy, I had to. I spent the late evening savoring my Cupcake and watching SNL with my son and the dog (no, no wine for either of them- son had a cinnamon roll, dog had an Iams biscuit, and we all shared popcorn, yummy). My bed partner tonight is Saul Bellow, we'll see how long he can hold my interest.

Such is life

2009-10-08T08:45:00.002-08:00

Ha! Purchased new keyboard, fired up the comp, *tada* old keyboard has magically fixed itself! Ah, well, I've got a spare handy for when (note "when", not "if") I knock over a cup of coffee on this one.

Happy Thursday!

What do you see?

2009-10-07T00:07:00.003-08:00

Very cool article in Smithsonian about an art historian who teaches a class for police officers to hone their observation and communication skills.Teaching Cops to See

Bella Luna

2009-10-04T00:57:00.008-08:00

The moon is full tonight, did you see it? I stepped outside, away from the house and the glow of light from within, to stand in the dark with face upturned. I do this a lot. I'm fascinated by the night sky, the vastness, the stars and, particularly, moonlight. Cool and bright, illuminating objects but not colors. This moon is the Harvest Moon, the moon closest to the atumnal equinox.

I remember a moonlit night on Lake Superior when I was younger. The water was flat calm, the lake quiet and still, bathed in light. A few of us rowed out to a small shipwreck that lay in about 20 feet of water- we could see every detail of it lying below the glass-like surface. It was amazing, I'll never forget it.

Another bright night a couple years later, I stood outside with my dogs (I had two at the time, it was near the beginning of the 16 years I had with them). I assumed the position- head back, eyes skyward, gazing at the moon and then the surrounding hills, occasionally glancing back toward the warmly lit house where my young daughter slept, unaware of my absence. The dogs sat motionless on either side of me, noses sniffing the air. A small moment I carry with me, and can recall vividly, right down to the crispness of the night air.

I imprinted another of those moments tonight, out in the yard with my dog, Ginger, the light pouring over my upturned face as she waited quietly beside me. I realized I was standing less than a mile from where I stood with my dogs nearly 20 years ago. Perhaps in another 20 I'll recall this moment as vividly.

I used to say part of a rhyme to my kids whenever the moon was full: I see the moon and the moon sees me.

2009-10-01T00:44:00.002-08:00

Lesseeee...update:

-Fixed comp, but need a new keyboard (always something, isn't there?)

-Had the flu, the achey-fever/chill-supertired kind of flu. And to make it worse, I'm the only one I know who actually gained weight while sick. Damn comfort food to hell, really.

-Still single, been asked-don't wanna.

-Still working the day job, doing some biology on the side, and would still rather it be the other way around.

-Dog still goofy.

-Son who moved out still comes home to hang out with me & his brother. I happily feed them while they play vid games or watch a movie.

-The men in my family got together from far & wide for a grand hunting trip- they didn't get much but had a blast, and I loved getting to see them.

Yes, pretty exciting stuff, but I figured I should post -something-. I've read some great blog posts lately. Some funny and witty, some intelligent and insightful, some full of great information. Sorry I don't have more to give, but brainspace seems to be rare commodity for me right now. I don't have room in there to come up with a thoughtful or thought provoking post; my brain is -full-.

Be well.

I lied

2009-09-20T13:06:00.001-08:00

Ok- you won't see an increase in late night blogging after all. Why?
The power supply on my comp gave out and I hate posting from my iTouch.

I'll get around to replacing it soonish. Pretty funny, there was a
time when I'd freak out when my comp went down, and was in a state of
anxiety till I got it up and running again. I've been fortunate in
that it's rarely happened and when it did, it was a relatively easy fix.

It's on the list of things-to-do, along with getting a new printer. In
th meantime, I'll just read -your- blogs so get busy and post more
interesting & funny & thought provoking things for me to read.

No picture because my tech skills fail me and I can't make it work
right.

Sent from my iPod

2009-09-12T16:46:00.005-08:00

My youngest turned 18 yesterday. We're having a party for him tonight - guess what he wants for dinner? You got it - pizza.

He's hard to get gifts for these days because his toys get more expensive- wants things like trucks and muscle cars, which I'm not buying for him. I did, however, head to Nordstrom in Anchorage and purchase some very nice cologne for him (he likes to smell good and I've had enough of that Axe he bathes in). In the fancy bag with his man-cologne I also put one of those boxes you store Hotwheels in - you know, the one that looks like a wheel? That and two Mustangs (Hotwheels!). He's gotten a new Hotwheels car or two every birthday/Christmas and I know he's saved a few of them.

I also got him some polar-fleece sheets. Yep, he's getting sheets for his birthday. (Awww Mom!) No really, he'll love them. This kid is a 6'5" basketball jock, eats like a horse, smells like a man, can fix anything...and he loves warm fuzzy things. And puppies. And monkeys. So yes, he's getting warm fuzzy polar fleece sheets. I couldn't afford a monkey.

He's the last of my kids at home, still in the nest but poised for flight. When he heads out into the world my laundry load will be dramatically reduced, grocery store trips less frequent, fridge less full. We'll stay close, but the house will feel empty and I'll miss the little day to day goofyhead moments.

Funny - my mom was gone this summer and I sure missed her. I'm 44 and I've found there are still moments when you just need your mom. Being my kid's mom is the best job I've ever had, and now they're these amazing grown-up people that still like to hang out with me now & then, like I like to hang with my mom. How cool is that?

10 cats and a cardigan, please

2009-09-04T22:27:00.006-08:00

Ah, love. Be prepared for a resuming of late night posting, as I appear to be single again. I am home, Friday night, listening to "Great Opera Duets" (cranked), drinking my SECOND light beer and swapping back and forth between Jane Austen and Saul Bellow. How bad is it? I attempt to sing with the opera duets.

I took a good shot at dating, but I think I doomed myself before I started - Long Distance (though same state). Said gentleman has the means to get me there and get himself here regularly and obliged readily, but it's just not that easy. And that's all I'll say on that subject (heave sigh of relief now, please).

So, back to my evening. At first I thought, "geez, all I need is about 10 cats...", but I realized that I am enjoying being alone. Fridays can be difficult, as my boys are usually out - tonight they're at their Dad's house. He likes to have them up to his girlfriend's big house and cook them steak. It hurts my feelings they have a good time at the big jerk's girlfriend's house, because he really is a big jerk, but I can't tell them that, not cool. One of those situations where I'm homework, chores, and telling them to do all the things they should be doing and their Dad is funtime steak dinners. Wait...I might be venting...where was I?

Ah yeah - evenings at home, alone. Sometimes they're therapeutic. And I freaking LOVE certain opera pieces. Voices soaring, weaving in and out of each other, no idea what they're saying but the feel of the song transmits meaning- Joy, sadness, ecstasy, passion, pleading, huge expressions of emotion, a conversation in music. Yes, I'm a dork.

So, I'm patching my heart up, immersing my head in music, comfortably on my own. I don't fuckin' need anybody.

But, *tiny voice* I want somebody.

Miss me?

2009-08-16T03:24:00.000-08:00

(This goes with the post below- I still can't seem to post an image -and- text from my iTouch at the same time)

It's been a busy summer and when I'm not at work I don't seem to find the time or inclination to sit at the comp. And since I got my neato iTouch, I rarely feel the need to, since I can check email on the run. As a former gamer-chick who used to -live- on and for the computer (I built it just for gaming!) this is probably a healthy change. Since I lost 200lb almost two years ago (I'm referring to my ex, all 200lb of him), I've been enjoying a more active social life, a more active sex life, and heck -a more active life in general, and I really don't have time to putz around on the comp, nor do I need it for an escape. Hooray!

So I'm posting from my iTouch as i'm snuggled in bed (with the dog). And yep, it's one of those lame "sorry I haven't posted in awhile" things, directed at all three of my readers.

Now to see if I can post a picture. This us a shamelessly stolen image of drawings of copepods, which I am posting in celebration of the fact that in addition to my regular day job ( non-biology) I was given some part time work on a project where I get to be a biologist again. I'm happy to be back in the field, even if its just part time.

Side note: I've often thought if I were ever to get a tattoo it would be a copepod, probably on my hip. These are a bit fancy though. My other choice would be some kind of logarithmic spiral form, like a nautilus or ammonite. There's a post about that here somewhere but I'm too tired to figure out linking it, and reader DaveDownUnder is going to scold me for being up so late.

Ni-night *yawn*

Sent from my iPod

This goes with that post up there ^

2009-08-16T03:02:00.003-08:00

Hmm

2009-08-06T00:39:00.001-08:00

Haven't mastered this yet, I guess. Here is the text that was supposed to show up with the picture below:

Here's what the drive home was like tonight around 7:30pm on Farmer's Loop. For those not from here, if there were no fires it would be daylight & clear skies. It's gone from smoke to ash in the air (and all over everthing else). There was even an advisory on TV about air quality.

Ick.

Sent from my iPod

Smoke

2009-08-06T00:33:00.002-08:00

If they're grown up, what does that make me?

2009-07-30T23:08:00.009-08:00

My oldest son is doing the "moving out" thing. He's 19 and remarkably mature in some ways, remarkably and adorably naive in others. While one part of me is encouraging his independence (shoo! Out of the nest...fly!), the other half of me loves that I can still be his mom. Of course, now it's 'advising him' not telling him what to do!

It's nice to be needed. It's also kind of cool when your kids realize a: you're human, and b: sometimes you really do know what you're talking about because you've been there, done that.

By the way, speaking of being way grown up - my lovely daughter and her husband have decided to make me a g...gr.....grandmother! Come February-ish, I'm going to have to get used to that name. While I do not look or feel like a g..gr..grandmother, I'm ecstatic that such a happy, joyous, miraculous thing is going on in my daughter and I can't -wait- to spoil that child rotten.

However, never, ever forget (say it): I'm 26 in my head.

May your day be blessed

2009-07-29T00:28:00.004-08:00

Today was neat, I experienced something new. My employer has family who are Tibetan Buddhists, and she'd attended the lectures last weekend given by visiting Lamas. She also arranged to have our place of business blessed. Brought up by a history teacher (who also teaches world religions), I've always had a curious and open mind about the world's cultures, philosophies and beliefs. Being on the sidelines of this event was an honor. My employer and friend has had a hard year and I truly believe the spirit of today's blessing did her a lot of good. The rest of the day was unusually good, and even someone with an agnostic bent like me felt the benefits of such a positive encounter.

I'm interested in some of the lectures given by the lamas -I admire scholars of anything, really - to know and explore a subject you're passionate about is a great thing.

Blotch & Opera

2009-07-26T13:45:00.010-08:00

Willow leaf 'blotch miner', an insect that strips the chlorophyll from willow leaves, has blazed through my neighborhood. I live in a very willow-y area on Farmer's Loop, and my yard is populated with Birch, Aspen, and tons of willow trees. This time of year it's normally a very lush and leafy green but the bugs have made all the willow leaves brown. The trees don't die, unless they get hit by repeated outbreaks, so that's good news. I've only been here two summers, but it's my Grandparent's house and I don't remember seeing this in the years they summered here.

Here's a few pictures, you can see the color difference in the trees.

Change of subject - I saw the Opera last week. Opera Fairbanks did a semi-staged production of "Tosca" and it was great. Some incredible talent from the Metropolitan Opera alongside some of our very talented locals. It was a treat, and I happened to have a date who appreciates classical music. He's also a dog person, is a perfectly pragmatic complement to my emotional side, and he cooks. I may have to marry him.

I have a huge range of music tastes, but my mood dictates opera at times - I had it on in the car the other night and my youngest son gave me a look. "Mom," -the look- "is that OPERA". He'll find a place for it in his life at some point - he's been brought up with classical music interspersed with all the other genres I like. He just picked up on the funk first. He's always had rhythm.

I love duets, voices rising and falling over each other, I particularly like male voices, I guess because some of the female voices can be shrill or too overbearing. But the more I explore the more voices I find that appeal to me. Sunday morning is opera time. Coffee, sun on the deck, leaves blowing, open windows, airy light house, a beautiful duet of intermingling voices weaving in and out - that's my idea of a relaxing morning.

Pavarotti - Recondita Armonia (from "Tosca", Puccini) (sit through the introductory 40 seconds of applause, c'mon, it's Pavarotti)- The guy who did this at the Opera Fairbanks production, Mathew Edwardsen, sang it beautifully.

Science guys make me hot

2009-07-25T10:42:00.009-08:00

Congratulate Bill Nye, The Science Guy, for he has just been added to Amy's list of sexy men. When my kids were small, Bill Nye was a regular part of our day, and he's adorably geeky.

My kids were little science bugs. I'd gone back to school to be a biologist and my kid's brains were full of all sorts of biology concepts and ideas they absorbed from my coming home with "Guess what I did today?!" They got to visit my labs, see neat critters, go on field trips, etc. I collected a group of fellow students and we'd visit my kid's class rooms and give presentations on fish morphology, pond life, coral reefs, habitats, you name it.

And so, we were all enthralled with Bill Nye, who's show fit right into our interests. Notice I include myself - Bill Nye's show was great for grown ups, too. I loved it.So Bill gets points for adding so much to my own personal experience as well as to that of my kids. Thanks Bill!

Bill Nye is cute/sexy in that dorky geek kind of way. Yes, I am attracted to 'geeks' - I like intelligent men who are attractive by virtue of the excitement and enthusiasm they display for something that fascinates them. Who get enthused by what's in pond water. Who trip over their words in sheer excitement when they've written a good chunk of code. Who look up at the sky, or at a leaf, or at a number sequence in wonder. I -like- that. Part of Bill Nye's job as a TV personality is to convey that excitement and instill it in viewers - well, he does a great job. My kids were inspired and I was inspired right along with them. Thanks Bill!

Outside of his TV stuff, he's sharing, inventing, and living his science, from his involvement in the Planetary Society promoting space exploration to being conscious of reducing his own carbon footprint. I love this guy. Thanks Bill!

Quick, someone get me a margarita

2009-07-10T11:05:00.001-08:00

My profile says "44" now, and it is true. I'm havin' a birthday.

I'm still 26 in my head.

It's been a good weekend.

2009-07-06T08:55:00.008-08:00

Time flows, gears shift, pieces click into place. It's a slow process but I feel it happening and though I am impatient, I know everything is moving in the right direction.

I don't know why I expect transitions in life to be immediate and clearly defined. Some transitions are easy to pinpoint. Riding in a boat down the Chena river you can clearly see the transition from the dark waters of the Chena to the silty, light colored Tanana. Borders between states, those pieces of paper called college degrees, a marriage license or divorce decree, the day you get in car accident that leaves you seriously injured - those are transitions where "before" and "after" are distinct and separate, marked by that incident or occurrence that causes the change or difference.

But how's that go? "Life's a journey, not a destination". Most change occurs over time, and it's not always clear when it began, or where it ends. When I went through the break up of my marriage, there were some very clearly defined changes: living arrangements, finances, raising children pretty much alone. But some things that I expected to transform simply did not. Not instantly, anyway.

A friend once told me my soul was screaming for a revolution.

It didn't happen, but it's happening.

Blammo

2009-07-04T11:58:00.003-08:00

Facebook exploded two days ago.

I'd originally signed up because my daughter was using it kept sending me stuff about it. I signed up, garnered a friend list of about 9 people, most of whom were related to me. Small group, totally manageable. I also typically use Facebook on my iTouch, which means it doesn't have all the extra bells & whistles (farms? wth). Very low key, non spammy, a check-every-couple-days sort of Facebook.

I'm not really a networker and I'm not particularly social. One way of dealing with depression for me was to keep my world very small and under control. When I was a gamer-chick, I was in contact with hundreds of people but they were neatly compartmentalized and separated from my 'real' life. I didn't share personal details with everyone, and I've always been conscious about privacy on the internet. A handful of friends actually new my name and what state I lived in, but for the most part I was there to game and kept my personal life out of it.

So the other day an old friend popped up and sent a friend request. I'd been out of contact with her for quite awhile, but have always considered her a fixture in my life so I confirmed. Then -blammo- I received a bunch more request in one day. Apparently HER friend list was much bigger than mine and included a group set up for graduates of my high school. Suddenly names that I hadn't heard in 20+ years were popping up on my screen.

At first I must admit this caused me some anxiety.

But after tentatively touching base with a few of them it started to feel comfy. Though I don't see most of these people EVER, many of them have known me since kindergarten. And there's something about people who know you and whom you have known since childhood that makes them special. When we're children, we are our basic selves, and whatever you do in life some aspect of that kid you were lingers.

I suppose that's what facebook is about - that oddly reassuring feeling when someone reaches out and says 'omg found you!' We do like belonging, don't we?

Here I am. Shit has happened, life flows on, but I'm still that kid you met in first grade on the swings.

In your dreams

2009-07-02T08:19:00.019-08:00

I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough. -M.C. Escher

I read an article in Scientific American on whether or not there is an adaptive purpose for dreaming. The theories are pretty straight forward - simulation of threat scenarios, problem solving, and "brain conditioning".

I like this analogy: “For all we know, dreaming might be a kind of screen saver in which it doesn’t really matter what the content is as long as certain parts of the brain are active.”

We're so personally connected to our dreams, they affect us physically and emotionally - I bet some people don't like the screen saver idea. I imagine that the possibility that the actual content of our dreams is irrelevant would freak some people out.

I'd never considered dreaming as a 'costly signal' thing, where you're conveying (to a predator? competitor?) something like "I'm so strong that I can waste energy doing something apparently useless like dreaming, so don't waste your time messing with me." - that's kind of cool:

"McNamara argues that dreaming can best be understood also as a type of costly signal. He points out that REM sleep is associated with increased mortality, particularly with respect to the irregular activity of the cardiovascular system. He also notes that human males “waste” a lot of otherwise good penile erections during REM sleep. Also, many of the awkward, embarrassing, anxiety-producing experiences from our more negative dreams tend to filter into our waking life, leaving a sort of lingering emotional residue that puts us at an adaptive disadvantage by compromising our everyday social interactions. The bottom line, according to McNamara, is that if we can “afford” to have REM sleep and still be players in the reproductive game, then we’re essentially communicating to others (presumably, others who are watching us sleeping or infer that we’ve done so) that we’re in possession of high-quality genes."

Stop wasting those penile-erections, guys.

Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake.
-Henry David Thoreau

I persistently have two common dream types - flying dreams (which are exhilarating), and chase dreams - someone/something pursuing me and I'd either escape or find some way to disable whatever/whomever it was. I had a vivid dream of being chased by a robber - somehow I knocked him out and, in order to ensure his incapacitation, broke both his legs by jumping on his shins - creepily vivid.

Those 'action/adventure' dreams are fun, almost like movies. But that same dream with one of my kids in it? NOT fun, whole different flavor. I had dreams about strangers in the house, about losing one of my kids, or about them being in danger that left me shaking and full of adrenaline. I have a recurring one about BEARS getting in between my youngest son and I. He's 6'5" now and nearly grown up, but in my dreams he's little.

There's a place I vacationed growing up, a remote-ish beach in Michigan that I dream of all the time, usually I'm trying to get there.

I love the dreams you don't want to wake up from - the one's where you're flying, arms spread, over open water (in mine, I fly like a dragonfly does) - or those, uh, you know other dreams that leave us with warm, lingering sensations.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages. -Terry Pratchett

Song of the Day, a lullaby Satellite

Ed Roland

2009-06-27T22:37:00.005-08:00

P.S. Adding Ed Roland of Collective Soul to the Sexy Men roster. He looks great, but it's his voice and his creativity that make him truly...well...sexy. I have most of their CD's. Click that link, it's excellent.

I know at least one person who will appreciate this post

2009-06-27T18:32:00.009-08:00

Song of the Day: Perfect Day - Collective Soul

Btw, I love some of the words used to describe various numbers: perfect, sociable, amicable, deficient, practical, irrational, real, complex, transcendental. Many of those words I'd use to describe people I know, or even myself (ya, ya, practical does not describe me, nor perfect unless you subscribe to the paradox of perfection)

Sunday - ugh wth

2009-06-21T17:03:00.013-08:00

If you're not in the mood for a rant, look at the pretty, happy daisy above and stop here.

Not sure what happened today but it went south probably around midnight of last night and just kept going.

Synopsis -Things that bug me today:
Men
The dog
Kids - wth, they're on a whole different page today.
Headaches
Weather
My Dad
Housework
Dating
My new cell phone - my god, it really sucks

Men - I unexpectedly ran into a guy I recently dated (it was brief, but I liked him, we had a lot of fun). He dropped contact for about a month, sans a few text messages here and there. I ran into him in a part of town I rarely go to, it was total chance. He lit up like sunshine, bear-hugged me twice during the course of our conversation, smelled my hair as he squeezed me for the second time and said feelingly, "God, I miss you!"

wtf.

Give me a real guy, a responsible, strong, warm, employed, plays hard, works hard, loves hard, sexy in that strong-capable sort of way, intelligent & curious kind of guy who says what he means and does what he says. I'm not hung up on appearance - bear-hugger up there is 5'9 and built like a bulldog (adorably so). Argh.

Kids - sons in particular - are making me feel like a piece of furniture. The LOVES OF MY LIFE are being obtuse, ungrateful twerps. Gah, being a mom is painful sometimes.

Dog - she's ok, she just can tell I'm annoyed today and won't stop following me around because it worries her.

Headache - self explanatory

Weather - sucks, and possible cause of headache

Dad - stress factor, possible cause of headache

Housework - not done (thanks kids!)

Dating - well, yeah, see above.

Cell phone - *tosses it*

I'm going out. Buh-bye housework, boys- feed yourselves, dog *pat*, pleasegodletthis headachestop, and men? I live in the land of men - there are 4(?) men for every woman here, but here's the thing: The odds are good, but the goods are odd.

Song of the day (Ignore vid, yadayada, just listen): Wolfsheim - Blind

What does one do at 1am when it's still daylight?

2009-06-18T00:51:00.007-08:00

Listen to music, of course. Possibly one of the best songs ever: DMB: Lie in Our Graves , off the Crash album.

It really is still daylight - it's nearing the longest day of the year (June 21) and it's light all the freaking time here. It's amazing/crazy/wonderful/slightly disturbing even after living here most of my life. I love this time of year. After the Summer Solstice on June 21 we'll begin the slow shift back into darkness. We'll have dark nights by August, and it'll slip faster into dark days of winter. So we live a little differently for now, up at all hours doing all sorts of things. This weird time of daylight stirs me up, makes me restless. It's great.

Would you not like to be
sittin' on top of the world
with your legs hanging free?

Some people don't like Dave Matthews, but I do, though it's a particular few albums. Whether it's the stuff I like or the stuff I don't, there's no denying they're great musicians. I love the words to this song, but the music is amazing. I also love Crash Into Me.

Dave Matthews is on my list of Sexy Men, btw.

Meandering thoughts

2009-06-15T22:29:00.005-08:00

I'm taking a page from a fellow blogger's book and throwing up one post to bump another that really shouldn't stay at the top of my blog for very long ;)

My family on my mother's side descends from clan Campbell of Scotland - a number of generations ago my greatblahblahgreat grandmother Margaret Campbell eloped with the estate gardener, who was also named Campbell. They left Scotland and headed for Ontario, Canada. When my kids were small I had time and energy to explore family heritage a little. I visited cemeteries and found headstones of my predecessors, read clan histories, and quizzed elderly family members. My mom gave me an old family bible that was her great-grandmother's - a big book, you have to sit it in your lap to leaf through it. It contained a wealth of information about my family.

Not being particularly religious, it's a little surprising to me that I have somehow acquired a small collection of old family bibles. They're old books, and that appeals to me - they smell good, and feel good. They've been passed down and held by many hands. But what's most to me interesting is that they also serve as a history of sorts.

Back then, the bible was a focal point of family life. In addition to the usual readings and lessons the family may have enjoyed, it was a place of record keeping that was handed down from generation to generation. This old bible of my grandmother's has a long list of births and deaths posted on the inside cover. Between the pages there are wedding announcements, birth and death announcements, notes, awards, newspaper articles, feathers, photographs, napkins, legal paperwork, and all sorts of other goodies that someone felt important enough to slip in this book that stayed with the family.

I learned a lot about my family flipping through those pages. When things happened, and to whom. What was important enough to keep or record. Most of the family tree I constructed was the result of this record keeping. Each time I perused the book I found something I'd missed; it was fun and intriguing.

I have an old wool tartan that my mom was kind enough to pass on to me - I don't know how old it is, but it was my great-grandmother's at one point. I curl up under it on cool nights - my kids have grown up knowing it as the 'precious blanket' and know that it never ends up on the floor or under the dog.

I love old things that have belonged to those before us, I hold on to them. I hadn't realized I'd instilled this sort of reverence in my kids to some degree - they each have a few 'precious things' they've already accumulated in their young lives, things that speak to them of family connections and their history. It's neat.

Derrrrrtay

2009-06-14T12:44:00.007-08:00

Breasts heaving, body slick with perspiration, hair tumbling wildly about her face, she leans back and releases a content sigh. Her eyes close a moment, lips parted as she catches her breath, and she gives a small giggle, as she often does after the culmination of satisfying physical exertion.

She reaches over and wraps her fingers around the neck of a cool bottle of beer, frosty with condensation. She tilts her head back, the bottle pressed to her lips, and drinks slowly, hair falling down her back save for a few stray locks that cling to the damp skin of her neck. She relishes the taste and feel of the bubbles rushing down her throat. She turns to the one beside her, face flushed, eyes bright, and gives a languid smile accompanied by another small, satisfied giggle. She breathes, "Good girl."

That's right - I dug up my flower beds AND got them planted. And my dog, Ginger, "helped".

Now to get all the dirt out from under my fingernails. And hair. And wherever else I got it, I think there's some down my shirt.

Work Sucketh

2009-06-13T10:34:00.006-08:00

Enjoy some Saturday for me.

I'm at work, it's gorgeous outside and I want to be home murdering dandelions. People ask, "why don't you have the boys mow the lawn?" but I actually LIKE doing it. We never had a yard growing up (all trees), and I love how fresh cut grass smells. And there's something about mowing that appeals to the OCD in me - I have this horrible feeling I'd enjoy being one of those people who mows baseball fields into neat patterns. I don't have a ridey mower though, just an old mower my Grandfather rebuilt that I have to talk to nicely to get started. It gets the job done.

It's good exercise, which I negate with the ice-cold Corona I savor after I'm done (oh that tastes good). Collapse in a deck chair, sip cold beer, gaze out over the fruits of my labor. Also, I figure if I do the mowing, they're stuck with dishes (hooray).

I saw "Hangover" last night - what a riot.

It's Tuesday. Not Wednesday. Crud.

2009-06-09T23:06:00.007-08:00

I'm working extra days these past few weeks due to someone being ill, and my schedule's a mess - I was certain today was Wednesday, but alas, 'tis not. Thank goodness Wednesday is about 20 minutes away, Alaska time.

There's an interesting article in the May issue of Smithsonian about Zhorzh Koval, a GRU cold war spy, a sleeper agent who was "Iowa born and army-trained". I read it on paper but they've got it on their website. I read a lot of cold-war fiction when I was younger, this sounds like it came right out of one of those novels.

Song of the day: Drowning (Face down) : Saving Abel (blahblah ignore vid, just listen)

I love this picture. Water movement of any kind fascinates me, but look at that.

'nuffsed!

2009-06-08T10:59:00.006-08:00

hahahaha!

Chocolate, Sex & Stephen King

2009-06-06T23:43:00.020-08:00

I've gone over the deep end. You know how there are certain things you -know- you should avoid, those sweet temptations that can lead to trouble because they quickly move from attraction to addiction and overindulgence, and possibly ruin?

I don't do drugs, but I have my own vices which I am aware of and try and be cautious of. It's that chocolate bunny you got in your Easter basket when you were a kid - you bite the ears off and leave it for "later". The next thing you know, you're taking another little taste and voila! The whole thing's gone. Or that drink or two you have with the person you're secretly attracted to: inhibitions lift and *blammo* it's no secret.

I like chocolate. I get affectionate after a few drinks. Two conditions I've learned to keep a wary eye on. And then there's Stephen King.

I don't think I even put him on my favorite author list. I haven't read one of his books in -years-. I don't particularly like his subject matter. But damnit, he is a brilliant story teller and his writing style captures me. I get hooked.

When I was dating my (now ex) husband, I borrowed my first dangerous King read from him (The Tommyknockers). We'd taken a weekend trip to visit my dad on his boat. I nearly sabotaged the relationship by spending the whole trip with my nose in that book and subsequently ignoring him. I left that poor man with my dad ALL WEEKEND while I cavorted with King. I was riveted.

Later, after we were married, I had to take a brief hiatus from King reading. I was pregnant, had finished Needful Things, and started The Dark Half. I had to put this one down even though it was a good read. It was too scary/intense - I'm emotional and get heavily involved in what I read, which was amplified while I was pregnant (hormones, whee) and I'd had enough stimulation.

I started up again when I found The Dark Tower series, blazed through the first four and found that the next book hadn't even been written yet. I had trouble wrapping my brain around that, it was weird. I didn't read King for quite awhile after that, partly because of being (ridiculously) annoyed at the unfinished series, but also because I just didn't like some of the other stuff he'd put out at that time. He's since added to the series, I've been thinking of picking it up again. Is it finished?!

So last Saturday night I was in Barnes & Noble (hot date = latte with two splenda). I couldn't find the books I was looking for but I found a Stephen King: Duma Key. I set the book on my end table and ignored it for most of the week, then finally picked it up and started reading.

Now here's the thing -I'm very tactile...things like paper or writing utensils are very personal and I take great pleasure when I find the right pen, or the perfect page. The texture, weight, feel of something I hold in my hand makes a difference to me. I love holding my iTouch, hate holding my cell phone. I love how artist pastel crayons feel, hate the glossy pages of the text-book my son had for history last year. And this book was designed to lure me in.

This paperback has the smooth pages that feel kind of fluid when you thumb through them ( I have no idea about names of paper types, sorry). The book is the same width as the average paperback but (and this took me a day to realize) it's about 1/2 inch longer. It gives the book a weird brochure feeling. I'm not sure that makes sense. Because of the page material, the book lays open on the page you're on, you don't have to fight with it. It makes a satisfying soft papery slap when you close it. Ok, ok, I'm a little overboard, but seriously - the whole psychology of marketing is about sublte things like how a book feels in your hand.

And yep, I'm totally hooked on the story. I've been up past 2am reading it nightly. This leaves me slow in the mornings and tired most of the day, which triggers depression, anxiety, and more tiredness which I alleviate by (oh yes!) curling up with said book and running away with King, escaping into my drug of choice.

I usually have more self control, but even though I'm aware of my weaknesses, sometimes I just can't help myself. I'll finish it quickly, then have a few days of feeling bereft because when you're consumed and the thing that consumes you goes away, there's a void. It's (omg) like a mini-relationship that ends. My cycle of high then low will run itself through, I'll catch up on sleep and pick up the pieces of the week I King-binged: unreturned calls, broken dates, forgetfulness, uncommunicative behavior, a messy house, and a bored dog ( I haven't thrown the frisbee for her all week). I'll get it out of my system and move on to more productive and healthy endeavors, putting my lapse into secret sin behind me.

Song of the day: Nine Inch Nails: Only (As with all song links, just listen, ignore crappy vid)

A legacy of sillies

2009-06-02T10:42:00.008-08:00

So this morning I was running late, and zipped into the kitchen to grab some breakfast for the road: a banana, a yogurt, and a ziploc bag of mini-wheats. Hey, don't judge me, that's fairly well rounded. As I ripped open the new box of cereal something in the box made me stop and breathe, 'OOHH!'

My 19 yr old son (the older one) rounds the corner to the kitchen, all six beautiful feet of him, and stares at me, puzzled. 'What, Mom?'

My eyes alight, I hold up the treasure from the cereal box: a Star Trek flashlight thingy that LOOKS LIKE A COM BADGE. *cue heavenly music* I haven't been this thrilled with a box toy since I found the light-saber spoon in my younger son's Frosted Flakes.

Now this kid, er young man, is a tall, lean blond with a friendly face. He's a biker/skier/runner/hiker without an ounce of body fat on him. He's currently dressed in spandex or lycra or something like that - a form fitting, nicely put together ensemble of red & black including helmet and sunglasses. He looks like, well, a real bicyclist - you know, the serious ride-350-miles-for-the-hell-of-it kind. And that's exactly what he is. So this athletic stud stares at the thing I'm holding up in his face and...he giggles. At me or the toy, I don't know, but he giggled and I giggled, we giggled together.

That's what I love about my kids (well one of many things). I -LOVE- their sense of humor. These big tall men (the younger is 6'5") are funny as all get out. One day I made dinner with peas as a side. My younger son is picky about veggies (at least he eats them now, when he was a li'l guy he avoided anything green, unlike his brother who was and is a total health food nut). He moaned about the peas, I said something like "eat them!" and silence ensued. I was at the computer while he finished his dinner and soon I felt his presence behind me. I turned and he was standing there, holding out his plate. It was still full of peas, but they'd been herded into the shape of a frowny face. I busted up laughing, relayed the story to some friends online, and from then on when they asked about my kids, they'd ask how 'Frowny-Peas' was doing.

When they were little guys, they were always doing interesting and funny things. They were 3 & 5 when I let them play with spices & stuff in the kitchen. There were like little mad-scientists. Next thing I knew they were trying to make a bomb in the heater vent using baking soda and curry powder (hey, it smells powerful). I couldn't get the aroma of curry out of my house for weeks. The older one took up calling the younger one "butthead" briefly till we told him he couldn't say that - so he made up his own word, something like "pingkonk" which he used for quite awhile when perturbed. I have pictures of them running around with balloons shoved up their shirts and down their pants - they looked like hunchbacks with huge badonkadonks, it was hysterical.

One day, as I collapsed in giggles at some antic, I asked 'Where did you get those sillies?' My youngest pointed at me and said, 'We got them from YOU!'

It's the highest compliment I've ever received.

You, behind that avatar...yeah, you

2009-05-31T18:20:00.029-08:00

Prompted by a random comment by a writer of a blog I read, I got thinking about avatars. As a former gamer-chick, I have an avatar or two. For some years I played a mmorpg. In role-playing games you create an avatar that is the incarnation of the character you've created. Most of the gaming I did was gaming for the sake of advancing my character and the group I played with by basically learning and winning any encounter the game developers could come up with. It wasn't until later that I found myself in an actual 'role-playing' environment. That's when I realized I hadn't been role-playing at all, but rather, I was creating an extension of myself. (I actually -sucked- at roleplaying itself and that's a whole other post).

Graphics in games keep improving at an exponential rate - the difference between my earlier character and my last character graphic-wise is pretty big. Some of these are actual screen shots of varying quality, two are renderings done by talented friends. One is from a comic - I like the artist's version of this character .

I really only made three characters. The first was a 'good' healer type character (these games have a good & evil theme, blahblah). Strong, athletic, helpful, feminine, nature freak, loves water.

The next was a gnome - I was experimenting. I wanted to see how differently the same person got treated as a short, funny looking female vs. a willowy, big-breasted siren. It wasn't a good experiment, as another aspect of my personality embodied itself within her: snarky, sarcastic, mischievous. I couldn't help it, it just happened.

My last (and favorite) was an 'evil' healer type character. What she really turned out to be was the first two combined, and she was fun and difficult to play all at the same time. Neither good nor evil, a loner, sexy, stand-offish, funny/warm, sarcastic/sharp, physically strong, emotionally turbulent, compassionate, mischievous, water loving, loyal, sensual, capable, nature loving, kicked-the-ass of monsters, fixed-the-problems of friends. I strive to be this person. I like her. She is me: what I am + what I want to be. (Figuratively, of course, I really don't want to lug that weapon around, or have blue skin).

Whether they're avatars that represent us or images that we hide behind, they're incarnations of some aspect of us. Given my own feelings about my avatars, I'm always curious about the avatars of other people - what face/image/idea have you chosen to represent you, and why?

Gentle be the breeze, and calm the wave

2009-05-24T13:48:00.019-08:00

We went to the opera Friday night, my mom and I. Opera Fairbanks put on a gala celebrating Alaska's 50th statehood anniversary and she had tickets. The featured artist is a woman who grew up here with a wonderful musical talent and who went on to perform all over the world. Her voice (she's a mezzo-soprano) is extraordinary, unique. I knew her father - he was the head of the chemistry department at the University here for years - a brilliant and interesting man. I didn't know him personally till his last few years, I wish I'd known him longer. What a lively and thought provoking person.

Where was I? Opera - it was a nice night out. Most of the music I enjoyed, especially the excerpt from Act I of La Traviata : Un di, felice, eterea – "The day I met you". I love that, and I crank it at work when no one is around. The finale was a let down - much as I respect our Alaska Flag Song, I felt Vivica's talent was wasted on a sing-a-long. When she came out in an evening gown I was ready for something big. She really is a charismatic woman eminently suited for what she's doing.

I'm not an opera freak, but there are pieces of music that are just heaven to listen to. My very favorite is Soave sia il vento, from Cosi fan tutte (Mozart). It's not a passionate piece of music, it's a simple 'Safe travels' message, but it's beautiful, the notes and voices weaving in and out of each other. I also love the Flower Duet from Lakme (Delibes)- lots know that one because it's been featured in a variety of movies.

Ah. Lost in music. Aren't I supposed to be doing something... like yard work? This guy is going to help me --->

"Soave sia il vento...Gentle be the breeze,
Tranquilla sia l'onda,..and calm the wave,
Ed ogni elemento...and may all elements
Benigno risponda...be favorable
Ai nostri/vostri desir....to our need."

comic: xkcd: A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language

Sexy Men

2009-05-20T22:49:00.007-08:00

I'm 43, and rumor has it that puts me somewhere in my sexual prime. I won't comment on that except to say that after the last post, which included Sean Connery, I've been pondering various men who are attractive to me and why. I find I can't always answer the 'why'. Mr. Connery certainly is much older than I, but he still carries that something from his younger years that makes me purr.

So I'm thinking I may post an attractive male every now and then under 'Sexy Men', and perhaps I'll see a pattern. You may not be interested in looking at sexy men, but I'm looking at it as I look at much of this blog - a place to put ideas, thoughts, quotes, song lyrics, pictures and other things I'd like to keep handy. You know, like sticky notes. Just more organized. Kind of.

Woops. My mind just wandered at the idea of keeping Mike Rowe, Harrison Ford, and The Gladiator handy. (No, I'm not particularly partial to Russel Crowe - but the character he played in Gladiator? YES.)

Mike Rowe (from Dirty Jobs): Sexy, funny, willing to get dirty, and did I say funny?

Harrison Ford: ok yeah, it started as a Han Solo thing, but it grew into a deeper appreciation (yep, Indiana Jones).

Nicolas Cage: He's always the underdog, but sincere. Only thing I haven't liked him in is recent stuff like National Treasure. He was like cardboard in those movies.

I realize these are actors and a large part of their attractiveness is the character(s) they play. These are the 'prime suspects' though, the ones that usually pop into my head when asked 'Who's sexy?'

Three of my favorite things - green, water, and Sean Connery

2009-05-20T11:45:00.018-08:00

I love this time of year in Alaska. It comes on quickly, a surge of growing, light, activity, and energy, and well, yeah, moquitoes but that's another post. One week we're in snow, then -blammo- the sun hits some threshold, stuff melts & dries fast, leaves BURST from their trees and suddenly we're in this whole other world of green landscape, warm breezes with lush scents in them, perfect blue skies, and light - light all the time.

You can -smell- the green, and I love how green smells. The most vivid impression I've had of green was onboard ship in the Gulf of Alaska when I was working for UAF. Spring cruise -we were dropping a specialized net system to capture zooplankton at different depths (MOCNESS, a totally interesting piece of sampling equipment) and plankton was blooming like mad. The aroma of the by-catch of phytoplankton when we pulled up the nets was just ...heady. Green, lush, thick, sweet, fresh, cool, clean, green. It was amazing. It's not quite so pungent here on land, when the leaves sproing forth (yes, sproing), but it's in the air and it's lovely.

The teeming plant activity and the constant sunlight go hand-in-hand with a shift in our own routines. Suddenly we sleep less and less, our activity level increases, we become restless, industrious, busy like bees. Yardwork, canoeing, hiking, softball, bike riding, running - there are freaking runners everywhere all of a sudden. Our summer here is short, and this period of growth and change and light is even briefer - May/June/July then it starts getting cooler, wetter, darker - so we move faster and get it all in while we can.

The light is wonderful and crazy at the same time - it never gets dark. Being a night-owl under normal conditions, getting to sleep when it's still perfectly light outside is even more difficult. I've been playing with some of the sleep aids that can be downloaded via the App store. There's a relaxation app that got decent reviews but I can't get into it because the guy has a Scottish accent and reminds me of Sean Connery, whom I -adore-. If Sean Connery came to my door today, aged that he is, and said (in that accent, of course) "Come away with me", I'd go. Hell, if anyone came to my door and used that voice on me, I just might go. So... where was I...yes, scottish accent - distracting.

The other apps I tried both used 'relaxing' music accompanied by a 'brainwave syncing' pulse, which was just annoying. To me, it sounded like something was left on that needed to be turned off - not conducive to sleep. Also, is it paranoid of me to wonder what's being slipped into my brain along with the hypnotic voice suggesting I relax, or the 'brainwave' throb? Maybe so.

The one that worked best for me was a simple ocean surf sound, knocked me right out each time. White noise? Maybe - but I prefer to think that it's because it's water and my affinity with water runs deep.

I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky

2009-05-18T00:42:00.010-08:00

Today was a long day. I had one of those encounters everyone has at some point, where trust is carefully given then not so carefully dashed by the one you've given it to. I'm not unique in this experience, I know, but it leaves one feeling as if they're the only person in the world. Just a hiccup in the road, really, but I'm feeling sad and regretful.

What was that? Oh yeah...be one with the flux.

I like the picture above - it's a depiction of a hero of Russian folklore, Ivan Tsarevich. Kind of like the Knight of the Swan , he isn't a particular character but a general name given to a particular type of character.

Not a great day off but I got laundry done, got in a good walk, saw a great movie, and now I'm going to curl up with Repairman Jack and read myself to sleep. I'm off again tomorrow - new day, new river.

Noun: flux (plural fluxs) 1. A state of ongoing change. *

2009-05-14T23:31:00.009-08:00

Nothing is static, it's all moving, flowing, changing constantly. Leaves grow, cells die, wind blows, life cycles come full circle and begin again. Like a river that appears the same from moment to moment, but the water flows and moves, along with whatever is caught in it's current, and the river you see is not the same river it was a moment ago. Ever changing, ever the same.

Some days I can't move with it - feeling it rush past, pulling at me, moving on. I want to grasp, see, feel, and know every second of it, but it flows over and around me and is gone, lost.

Yes. I'm having a day.

In Hermann Hesse's Siddhartha, the river is it's own beginning, middle and end. The river is everywhere at once all at the same time. The idea of time or life being circular resonates with me. I read some blurb about how the river shows Siddhartha that though life is in constant flux, it's still essentially the same, and encourages him to become one with that flux.

That's my new mantra : Be one with the flux.

*Wiktionary

Spira Mirabilis

2009-05-14T00:33:00.015-08:00

I acquired a neat thing today - a tiny fossilized echinoderm, a sea biscuit of some sort. I haven't had time to hunt down what it is exactly yet, but I picked it up for three reasons:
-It's neato
-It will go nicely in my shadow-box shelf full of fossils, cast off shells, dried sponges, and dried bugs. Yes, bugs.
-It beautifully demonstrates the pentamerous symmetry that is characteristic of echinoderms.

Boy, that's a crappy picture - it's too late to stay up and take another one, though. Time to get a real camera, I think.

But you can see the star shape, it's so perfect. Pentamerous symmetry in echinoderms fills me with wonder - the star or flower shape is such a symbol to us humans, an image embedded in our psyche. And there it is on that sea critter (well, that rock that was once a sea creature).

Patterns like that in nature appeal to my senses; the whorls of certain shells, the curls of waves, honeycombs in beehives, but most of all the amazing and mathematically beautiful design of ammonites and the chambered nautilus. (click that link, the picture is stunning). Wikipedia has a great article on the reoccurring appearance of the logarithmic spiral in nature.

I think Spira Mirabilis, the miraculous spiral, is possibly my favorite thing in the world.

Wash your hands (revisited)

2009-05-14T00:13:00.003-08:00

Stumbled across this and got a giggle.

New Toy

2009-05-10T22:17:00.003-08:00

Kids ganged up and got me an iTouch for Mother's Day. Hot damn. Currently playing: Audioslave - I Am The Highway. I love the lyrics.

Here is a crappy picture of my new plaything.

Get some popcorn

2009-05-08T08:41:00.005-08:00

Star Trek comes out today. I have to admit I'm dying to see it, because I love Star Trek and I love going to the movies. I'm a closet trekkie - no uniform or anything, but *quiet voice* I do have a book of episode summaries from TNG, and...well...I may have a star ship tech manual stashed somewhere.

You're reading what?

2009-05-02T23:41:00.011-08:00

I'm book-binging. I realized I'm processing 5 books at the moment. I do that when I'm restless and need focus. I'm filling/killing time, basically. I try to make it good stuff for the most part, I can't read crap because it won't hold my attention. I like Repairman Jack, though it's light. So is Austen & Collins if you get into that sort of genre, which I do (closet romantic). I'm plowing my way through George MacDonald, and picking at another Rushdie novel.

I went to Barnes & Noble (yep, Saturday night), got coffee and roved book stacks. I grabbed Austen (cheap!) then ran into Saul Bellow on another shelf. I haven't read Ravelstein, but Saul Bellow really needs my full attention, and it was more $$ than I wanted to spend at the time so I left it, but it's on the List Of Things To Read. I read Herzog years ago and love it, but need to read it again soon.

I'm also considering picking up my calculus text and working my way through it. That, friends, is a sure sign I need to be vigilant and focus on something productive - my brain needs to wrap itself around something. I loved calc, but really. When I was 30-ish (roughly the start of my descent into depression) my mind got restless. Many people turn to religion when they're seeking...solace? I went for theoretical physics. I read Stephen Hawking, essays by Einstein, by Feynman, I read Paul Davies etc, devouring ideas that I had to read carefully and intently to get the gist of. I couldn't have an intelligent discussion about most of it, but it fed my brain and fueled my imagination and made me feel like I was touching some part of my world I hadn't before.

Regarding revisiting/rereading - it annoys the heck out of me when I can't 'discuss' what I've read. I've realized that I tend to read emotionally - I feel what I'm reading, it pulls me along like the current in a river. I experience it, I'm immersed in it. Hell, in high school AP English we read Hemingway's Farewell to Arms. I was really sick with the flu when I read the part about Frederic in the hospital, and I had all sorts of feverish and fitful dreams about him, as if it were me. I have disliked Hemingway since. He's depressing.

Uh, I had a point in there somewhere. Oh yes. I re-read frequently because of this. First read- immersion and emotional connection. Second run - more awareness of details, symbolism, structure, blahblah. Third run - sheer enjoyment, anticipation of particular passages, discovery of tidbits I've missed. Is that normal?

There is one part of my favorite book, The Master & Margarita, that I cherish, absolutely cherish reading. I'll read the whole book just for that small section. It's half a page. But that's how I am. I like parts of things, which I think is a good quality, because it means I 'like' more things - more books, more music, more people, more movies, because I find a part that appeals to me, that I wish to experience again and again. I will love a 'whole' thing just for that element it contains.

That reminds me. Also on the List Of Things To Read is other translations of The Master & Margarita. Translating Russian to English too closely means less idiomatic flow, and though the words are accurate, the feeling may not be. I'm curious if I'll get the same feeling from another translation. I love that book so much, I wish I were Russian to read it. Notice I say 'I wish I were Russian', not 'I wish I could read Russian'. I don't think just learning the language would suffice.

By the way, I've had beer, hence the uh..rambling. Corona Light with lemon in it, lots of lemon. You laugh! That's not real beer, you say. But it's refreshing and goes down easy. The part that I love, that makes me love the whole bottle? The first taste, with the lemon juice still on the lip of the bottle, ice cold, bright and sharp. I cherish that first taste. Ahhh.

Wash your hands

2009-04-27T07:46:00.003-08:00

Swine Flu

Birds of a feather

2009-04-26T23:40:00.009-08:00

I've been cruising Creamer's Field late in the evening recently, around 10pm-ish. Surprising number of people still hanging around there. There are a ton of seagulls - if I closed my eyes, I could imagine myself on a pier somewhere.

Today there were 5 swans - saw five the other day with mom, she's certain there are six because 'swans are always in pairs'. I'm going to guess they're Tundra Swans , but I'm not sure. Swans really are beautiful in the water, sort of other-worldly. Swans belong in fairy tales, in garden ponds next to castles, giving children, fairies, or a princess a ride on its back. Or a knight - remember that guy? ----->

I saw a crane - love how they walk. I can't decide if it's stately or gingerly. Lots of Canada geese, and a handful of that other white-fronted goose with the orange feet.

And there were mallards today. They were neatly paired up, swimming as if they're tethered to each other. Except one group - there was a male with a female in tow cruising around with two other males following. Watch your back, mate.

I drank my coffee and enjoyed the noise and the smell and the cool night air. Yes, I drink coffee at 10pm. Black, two sugars.

Me and that single swan -hanging out at Creamer's Field.

2009-04-24T20:02:00.011-08:00

I'm not a classical music know-it-all, but Yo-Yo Ma's album 'Bach: The Cello Suites' is lovely. My favorites are 1, 3, and 6. Sometimes cello can range into melancholy, but it's the only string voice that really appeals to me - a very expressive instrument. It feels visceral and poignant. And Yo-Yo Ma is brilliant.

This flower is growing in a pot on my kitchen table. It's some kind of Clematis, and shoots vines out that you wrap around a little trellis thingy. I've learned not to put it next to other plants because it'll vine out and tangle up with them. Grabby plant.

"Laugh as much as you breathe, love as long as you live" - who said that? Kind of corny, but it's nice.

2009-04-22T08:16:00.004-08:00

Assessment time. This blog is meant to be an exercise in expressing thoughts and ideas - practice grounds. I'm a thinking person, but have never been good at putting thoughts into words. This worsened during my bout with depression. I came out of that period with my thoughts re-awakened but still unable to communicate them well. (I say 'came out of that period' loosely, because it's kind of a never-ending thing, I'm just coping differently or more effectively.)

About 10 years ago, I was slipping into depression but largely unaware of it - signs and symptoms of stress appeared: the inability to remember things, the lack of cohesive expression, inattentiveness. I was slowly becoming aware of the lapses in memory (the holes in my memory drive me nuts, see previous post).

At one point, I was talking with a person affiliated with the program I wanted to apply to for graduate school. The setting was informal, a conversation about a field we were both deeply interested in. By her demeanor, I felt she viewed me as a viable candidate and seemed interested in my direction and encouraging about my prospects. She became concerned at one point, however, and said to me (I kid you not), "You need to use your words."

Use your words. I'd said that to my kids when they were young and trying to express something to me. She was right, though. College educated and I was stumbling, using basic language to describe ideas instead of the specific terms I'd learned in my field. I simply couldn't retrieve the words from my brain and was left to describe the thoughts I had in the most remedial of language. It must have sounded weird - I can't say stupid, because I'm not (and she knew that), but...yeah.

Reading previous posts, I see that I've communicated things that I like, as well as bits of what I know about those things, but I haven't really expressed much of what I think about those things. It's been more of a dumping ground for sticky notes from my brain - things I'd like to remember, bits of information I might want later. Kind of like my desk at work - scattered notes with shreds of information I need for some task, lists, numbers, names, blahblah. I remember things by writing them down.

This isn't going to be a 'me me me' thing. No expressions of deep emotional crap, no emo blahblah. However, as an exercise in 'using my words', I'll need to step it up a bit and express thoughts/concepts more completely and clearly.

2009-04-17T22:34:00.009-08:00

For some breathtaking photographs, go here. This one is my favorite.

"Are you content to stand at the edge of the mystery, knowing only some small fraction of it?"

I can't remember who wrote that, it's one of my favorite quotes. I had it in my head it was George MacDonald in Phantastes, but I can't find it. Argh. Huh. May be C.S. Lewis, now that I think of it.

There are homeless people in Fairbanks who spend the entire winter outdoors. I know two of them personally.

2009-04-12T16:42:00.004-08:00

Today: walked dog, coffee for breakfast, ate chocolate, brunch at mom's, ate chocolate, grocery store, Lowe's-HomeDepot-gas station, more coffee, considered getting car washed, reconsidered, walked dog, shoveled porch, ate chocolate & some jelly beans ...more excitement (and probably chocolate) to come.

My new favorite song : Chevelle -Well Enough Alone (as usual, ignore video). I love the contrasts.

2009-04-01T08:33:00.000-08:00

Today the news says 'Don't eat pistachios' (salmonella scare). Last week I heard that now it's -not- good for women to enjoy a nice glass of wine a few times a week (cancer scare). This, of course, comes after we've been imbibing regularly because having a nice glass of red regularly was reported as good for your health (heart health, antioxidents).

I'm still suspicious of certain tomatoes and don't even mention the peanut paste products.

Solution: take all this 'information' with a grain of salt. Just make sure it's only a grain, and that it's iodized salt because, you know, that's healthier. For now.

I'm practicing Spectromancer, playing against the computer. On easy setting. I'm starting to like it. Pretty soon I'll play against the friend who introduced me to it, and he'll proceed to kick my ass. It'll be fun!

2009-03-29T18:15:00.002-08:00

Xerces Blue is an extinct butterfly from the San Francisco Bay area. One theory is that it went extinct because with human development, a new ant species was introduced that edged out an ant the butterfly was dependent on in its larval stage.

Xerces is also the name of my favorite Deftones song. I also love Cherry Waves and Hole in the Earth.

I read this on a sign and wanted to remember it: When nothing is sure, everything is possible.

Someplace like this

2009-03-24T19:20:00.004-08:00

Words of wisdom on the importance of living bravely:

"The only calibration that counts is how much heart people invest, how much they ignore their fears of being hurt or caught out or humiliated, And the only thing people regret is that they didn't live boldly enough, that they didn't invest enough heart, didn't love enough. Nothing else really counts at all." - Ted Hughes

Being somewhat shy and introverted (and not always brave), this appeals to me.

I'd like to be someplace like this.

Universum

2009-03-18T23:02:00.002-08:00

Remarkably uninspired this week. Tired-ish.

This woodcut --> shows a man peering through the curtain of the atmosphere of a flat earth at the inner workings of the universe.

'Urbi et 'orbi' didn't appear on the original woodcut, but the caption did.

"A medieval missionary tells that he has found the point where heaven and Earth meet...".

2009-03-07T23:08:00.001-09:00

Saturday night.
I went:
To the grocery store.
To Barnes & Noble.
Whee.

I might have had a date if I'd hinted around at it, but my pride is too big for that. I like to be asked.

I did need groceries, but really I just wanted to get out of the house. I bought pasta and tapenade, though the tapenade isn't near as good as the stuff I got in California with Tasha.

I whole-heartedly support our small locally-owned bookstore, but sometimes Barned & Noble is a nice change - it's big enough to get lost in, to be unnoticed in. I bought the Rushdie book, and the Barnes book and sat down with a coffee and read. I went from feeling a little pathetic to enjoying myself. Thank you Salman Rushdie, my date for Saturday night.

Water is so difficult to depict. I love Monet's La Grenoulliere because of the water. ^^

$5 CDs

2009-03-05T08:38:00.001-09:00

Today I stumbled across Plan-it-X Records, a DIY punk label. While I don't listen to punk much (anymore, anyway), I found it interesting.

"If it ain't cheap, it ain't punk."

Van Gogh's Starry Night ^
Amazing.

Franz Von Stuck - German Symbolism

2009-03-03T19:14:00.002-09:00

Angel

Posts?

2009-03-01T18:35:00.001-09:00

I apparently don't post much yet.

I'm interested in this image/theme. The Knight of the Swan, Helias, aka Wagner's Lohengrin. Where do we get the idea we must/will be rescued? From this guy ------>